100_Situations - Breakaway (063 - Break)
Oct. 30th, 2006 10:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missmara13Title: Breakaway
Fandom: The OC
Characters: Ryan Atwood
Prompt: 063 - Break
Word Count: 1335
Rating: PG-13 (Like 1 bad word)
Summary: There's a lot of ways to break, and Ryan feels them all.
Author's Notes: Comes after 'Finality', but can be read on it's own, I guess.
Breakaway
It was a week after Marissa's funeral that Ryan made his decision. He was tired of the looks he got from everyone, including his own so-called family. He was tired of Seth's attempts to get him to have fun. He was tired of Kirsten and Sandy's attemtps to get him to 'talk'. He waited until everyone else was asleep, then tucked pillows and clothes under the covers on his bed and grabbed his already packed duffle bag from the closet. He propped a note up on his pillow, then locked the door on his way out and walked around the side of the house.
When he got to the end of the driveway, he almost looked back, but in the end he didn't because he knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to do this. He wouldn't be able to make a clean break from Newport and all it represented.
The love of a family for the first time. The neglect of a family yet again.
The love of a waif of a girl. The betrayal from a waif of a girl.
The birth of his friendships with Seth, Luke, and Summer. The end of his friendship with Theresa.
He never should have expected things to be different in Newport than they were in Chino, but he had and it had lead to loosing himself within who they wanted him to be. And as much as he loved those left, he couldn't stay.
No, it was best to make a clean break.
~~~~
He didn't realize he'd packed the watch Sandy and Kirsten had given him for his first Chrismukkah until he found it a few days later, tucked into the bottom of his bag along with Marissa's old carebear that Kaitlin had given to him, and a photo of himself and the Cohens. He didn't mean to pack those reminders, they went against his plan for a clean break, but at the same time he also couldn't bring himself to part with them quite yet.
So they want back to the bottom of his bag, under the folded jeans and shirts, under the handful of paperback novels he had brought, under the guidebooks to Houston, Denver, Chicago, and every other big city in the US that he could find in the book store.
~~~~
He gave Marissa's carebear to a little girl he met in a homeless shelter in Houston. She had lost everything when her family's house burned down, and needed something to hold at night when she was scared. When he casually mentioned a week later that he was leaving the city and heading north, the girl's mother gave him a warm jacket that had been her late husband's, telling him to take care, and gently suggesting he should go home.
"Don't have one anymore," Ryan replied with a shrug, tucking the jacket into his duffle.
~~~~
He found a job in Kansas, of all places, doing farm work in exchange for room and board. He got along well with the family, and might have stayed on longer if he hadn't fallen off a ladder and broken his wrist. They asked Ryan to stay anyway, he'd heal and then he could help again, but Ryan knew they were short on cash and couldn't afford a worthless mouth to feed. He did trade several of his paperbacks for ones of theirs that he hadn't read, giving away one more thing that reminded him of Newport and kept him tied to it.
~~~~
He went to Denver next, and needed that warm coat he had gotten months before from the woman in Houston. He found work at a grocery store, and was saving up first and last months rent for an apartment when he work up one morning at the shelter to find his bag was missing, along with everything he owned except for what he was wearing and his money, which he always kept in a smaller bag, held against his stomach at night. By the time he got the adminstrator to come and do a search, the bag and his clothes were back, but his books and his watch were gone, taking another connection to Newport from him, and while he told himself it was helping him make his clean break, he also felt his heart shudder at the thought of loosing it.
But there, among the mess, was the picture of himself with the Cohens, the frame gone, but the picture itself safe. He left Denver the next day, his things repacked and the money going to a bus ticket south to Georgia instead of towards rent.
~~~~
He found work with a company renovating an old plantation, complete with room and board on the grounds, and a locked trunk at the foot of his bed to hold his things. And one night, after using his fake ID to go out drinking with other workers, Ryan spotted the display in a comic book store window, a sale on Atomic County's first graphic novel, since the second was due out soon. And beside it was a poster asking for information about Ryan's whereabouts, calling him the 'real' Kid Chino. Ryan couldn't resist tempting fate, and almost hoped the store owner would recognize him from the poster, so he went in and bought a copy, reading it over and over again until he had memorized every word of the story and could describe the images in his sleep.
And so, instead of loosing a connection, Ryan gained one more, the graphic novel being tucked into his bag with the photo stuck in as a bookmark. Two days later, he spotted Sandy and Seth in the comic book store, talking to the owner, and for a moment he thought about crossing the street and asking them to take him home. Instead he turned around and went back to the plantation, telling his boss he had to break his contract, it was a family thing.
~~~~
He got to Miami in time for New Year's Eve, and ended up getting a hotel room and going out to party. He met a girl and went back to her room with her, wanting to forget who he was and where he wanted to be. In the morning, when he told her he was leaving Miami that day, she threw a shoe at him and the mirror he stood in front of shattered, little broken pieces falling to the dresser top and leaving him to stare at a fractured image of himself.
~~~~
He felt his wrist break again when he fought back against a man who tried to steal his duffle bag in a South Carolina bus station, and this time he just got it set at a free clinic, refusing a cast in favor of an ace bandage wrapped around it, and left with it throbbing in pain and a bottle of painkillers in his hand.
That night he broke his promise to himself about never talking to anyone he knew from Newport again when he called Luke.
"Are they okay?" Ryan asked the moment Luke picked up.
"Chino?" came the stunned reply.
"Please, Luke, just tell me, are the Cohens okay?"
"They're scared shitless, man!" Luke said. "Where the hell are you? They've been following leads all over! Sandy flew to Denver a couple weeks ago because your watch turned up at a pawn shop, and then Georgia because some comic guy recognized you..."
"Are they okay?" Ryan repeated. "Are they... Are they okay?"
"Except for being worried about you? Yeah, they're good."
"Good," Ryan said. "Do me a favor, tell them... tell them I'm doing okay."
"You don't sound like it."
"I'm okay, Luke," Ryan repeated. "Just tell them that."
"When are you going to go home?"
"I don't have one anymore," Ryan said, hanging up before his friend could respond. He bowed his head and let out a choked sob, breaking down for the first time since... since he could remember. And for once, he let himself break.
THE END
Fandom: The OC
Characters: Ryan Atwood
Prompt: 063 - Break
Word Count: 1335
Rating: PG-13 (Like 1 bad word)
Summary: There's a lot of ways to break, and Ryan feels them all.
Author's Notes: Comes after 'Finality', but can be read on it's own, I guess.
Breakaway
It was a week after Marissa's funeral that Ryan made his decision. He was tired of the looks he got from everyone, including his own so-called family. He was tired of Seth's attempts to get him to have fun. He was tired of Kirsten and Sandy's attemtps to get him to 'talk'. He waited until everyone else was asleep, then tucked pillows and clothes under the covers on his bed and grabbed his already packed duffle bag from the closet. He propped a note up on his pillow, then locked the door on his way out and walked around the side of the house.
When he got to the end of the driveway, he almost looked back, but in the end he didn't because he knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to do this. He wouldn't be able to make a clean break from Newport and all it represented.
The love of a family for the first time. The neglect of a family yet again.
The love of a waif of a girl. The betrayal from a waif of a girl.
The birth of his friendships with Seth, Luke, and Summer. The end of his friendship with Theresa.
He never should have expected things to be different in Newport than they were in Chino, but he had and it had lead to loosing himself within who they wanted him to be. And as much as he loved those left, he couldn't stay.
No, it was best to make a clean break.
~~~~
He didn't realize he'd packed the watch Sandy and Kirsten had given him for his first Chrismukkah until he found it a few days later, tucked into the bottom of his bag along with Marissa's old carebear that Kaitlin had given to him, and a photo of himself and the Cohens. He didn't mean to pack those reminders, they went against his plan for a clean break, but at the same time he also couldn't bring himself to part with them quite yet.
So they want back to the bottom of his bag, under the folded jeans and shirts, under the handful of paperback novels he had brought, under the guidebooks to Houston, Denver, Chicago, and every other big city in the US that he could find in the book store.
~~~~
He gave Marissa's carebear to a little girl he met in a homeless shelter in Houston. She had lost everything when her family's house burned down, and needed something to hold at night when she was scared. When he casually mentioned a week later that he was leaving the city and heading north, the girl's mother gave him a warm jacket that had been her late husband's, telling him to take care, and gently suggesting he should go home.
"Don't have one anymore," Ryan replied with a shrug, tucking the jacket into his duffle.
~~~~
He found a job in Kansas, of all places, doing farm work in exchange for room and board. He got along well with the family, and might have stayed on longer if he hadn't fallen off a ladder and broken his wrist. They asked Ryan to stay anyway, he'd heal and then he could help again, but Ryan knew they were short on cash and couldn't afford a worthless mouth to feed. He did trade several of his paperbacks for ones of theirs that he hadn't read, giving away one more thing that reminded him of Newport and kept him tied to it.
~~~~
He went to Denver next, and needed that warm coat he had gotten months before from the woman in Houston. He found work at a grocery store, and was saving up first and last months rent for an apartment when he work up one morning at the shelter to find his bag was missing, along with everything he owned except for what he was wearing and his money, which he always kept in a smaller bag, held against his stomach at night. By the time he got the adminstrator to come and do a search, the bag and his clothes were back, but his books and his watch were gone, taking another connection to Newport from him, and while he told himself it was helping him make his clean break, he also felt his heart shudder at the thought of loosing it.
But there, among the mess, was the picture of himself with the Cohens, the frame gone, but the picture itself safe. He left Denver the next day, his things repacked and the money going to a bus ticket south to Georgia instead of towards rent.
~~~~
He found work with a company renovating an old plantation, complete with room and board on the grounds, and a locked trunk at the foot of his bed to hold his things. And one night, after using his fake ID to go out drinking with other workers, Ryan spotted the display in a comic book store window, a sale on Atomic County's first graphic novel, since the second was due out soon. And beside it was a poster asking for information about Ryan's whereabouts, calling him the 'real' Kid Chino. Ryan couldn't resist tempting fate, and almost hoped the store owner would recognize him from the poster, so he went in and bought a copy, reading it over and over again until he had memorized every word of the story and could describe the images in his sleep.
And so, instead of loosing a connection, Ryan gained one more, the graphic novel being tucked into his bag with the photo stuck in as a bookmark. Two days later, he spotted Sandy and Seth in the comic book store, talking to the owner, and for a moment he thought about crossing the street and asking them to take him home. Instead he turned around and went back to the plantation, telling his boss he had to break his contract, it was a family thing.
~~~~
He got to Miami in time for New Year's Eve, and ended up getting a hotel room and going out to party. He met a girl and went back to her room with her, wanting to forget who he was and where he wanted to be. In the morning, when he told her he was leaving Miami that day, she threw a shoe at him and the mirror he stood in front of shattered, little broken pieces falling to the dresser top and leaving him to stare at a fractured image of himself.
~~~~
He felt his wrist break again when he fought back against a man who tried to steal his duffle bag in a South Carolina bus station, and this time he just got it set at a free clinic, refusing a cast in favor of an ace bandage wrapped around it, and left with it throbbing in pain and a bottle of painkillers in his hand.
That night he broke his promise to himself about never talking to anyone he knew from Newport again when he called Luke.
"Are they okay?" Ryan asked the moment Luke picked up.
"Chino?" came the stunned reply.
"Please, Luke, just tell me, are the Cohens okay?"
"They're scared shitless, man!" Luke said. "Where the hell are you? They've been following leads all over! Sandy flew to Denver a couple weeks ago because your watch turned up at a pawn shop, and then Georgia because some comic guy recognized you..."
"Are they okay?" Ryan repeated. "Are they... Are they okay?"
"Except for being worried about you? Yeah, they're good."
"Good," Ryan said. "Do me a favor, tell them... tell them I'm doing okay."
"You don't sound like it."
"I'm okay, Luke," Ryan repeated. "Just tell them that."
"When are you going to go home?"
"I don't have one anymore," Ryan said, hanging up before his friend could respond. He bowed his head and let out a choked sob, breaking down for the first time since... since he could remember. And for once, he let himself break.
THE END
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no subject
Date: 2006-10-30 11:17 pm (UTC)*sob*
The End?
You have to bring him back. He belongs with the Cohens, his family.
Not alone and hurting, breaking down without anyone where for him.
Please?
no subject
Date: 2006-10-30 11:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 12:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 01:03 am (UTC)PS: I also posted a new chapter of Another Day, in case you didn't see... lol...
no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 01:23 am (UTC)BTW, I've been meaning to tell you that your icon is so cute! Just perfect.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 01:32 am (UTC)And thanks! It's made from a manip I mad... originally Marissa and Seth were in between Ryan and Summer, but with some editing and color adjustment, I think I managed to make it look almost real... lol
no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 05:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 05:27 am (UTC)I write really fast when the muse strikes... lol... finished 2 chapters of AD in like less than 2 hours that way... lol...
as for how I keep track, I tend to re-read the last chapter or two before I write anything new... that helps me make sure I don't suddenly have Crazies invading Woodland while Ryan's in group... lol...
no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 08:02 pm (UTC)I'm in some kind of a haze right now, because I just watched The O.C. 4x01. And DAMN. OMFG. So awesome... ... ...
But anyway, your story is great!
no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 10:25 pm (UTC)You've incorporated the transcience that has been omnipresent throughout Ryan's life in all things and taken it to the most tangible level. The boy who had no nurturing foundation, no stable relationships and was manipulated, neglected, abused, discarded, betrayed and abandoned, now seems destined to wander, never knowing peace, a sense of belonging or finding a sanctuary to call a home. As always, he is compelled to take care of others, even at direct cost to himself. Even when he has almost nothing, he has so much to give, either from his meager belongings, or just of himself. He always considers the other perspective and gives no credence to having one of his own.
What makes this so painful is that he is so vulnerable and desperately wants to forge something lasting, but is convinced he's not entitled, not worthy and poses a threat. He's been so conditioned to believe he has nothing positive to contribute that he has no conception of how unique, special and valuable he is. It's all about context and, sadly, the lack of involvement from the Cohens, who sent mixed messages rather than reaffirming their feelings with words or reinforcing them with actions, Ryan has nothing to counter his ingrained, very skewed misconceptions. Even as he tries to sever his ties, he's too aware of wanting to cling to some reminders and maintain some connectivity. He's visibly stricken to lose those tangible, significant links to what was the one brief respite in his life. Then, he even seeks out further connection as time progresses, although obviously in conflict with himself over how much contact he can safely allow while still protecting the people he loves.
You do a wonderful job of providing a glimpse at the visceral Ryan who is so torn, but so obligated as he goes from hiding in plain sight to trying to determine how to shield the people who matter most from what he views as his own personal plague. At the heart of it all, he can't deny them and has to communicate somehow, even if indirectly. Although he has to know that that will only serve to spur them on further... If only they had been so determined to build a foundation earlier...
no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 11:05 pm (UTC)It took 3 years for the Poolhouse to start having some touches that were 'Ryan' instead of what was there or what was expected. All I can really think of is the punching bag, which had a purpose of helping him get out his agression instead of fighting, so it still wasn't entirely a 'Ryan' item... he didn't make the Poolhouse a home because he always had that thought in the back of his head that "Someday, this is gonna run out and they'll tell me to pack my bags." And now that, in his mind even though it's not true, his presence led to Marissa's death, part of him thinks that's coming or at the very least he deserves it. So he's got to go before it happens, he needs it to be his decision to leave, because that will hurt less.
Ryan's call to Luke, is just another aspect of him always taking care of others. He wants to know their okay, and if they weren't he would have to think on whether it was better to stay away or go back and help, and it also gave him the chance to make sure, if they were worried, that they knew he was okay. There's other instances to come in this little series of one shots... and by the end he will have to make that choice: Does he stay away to 'protect' them, but at the same time sacrifice not only himself but also their happiness since they are left so worried? Or does he reach out to them, to anyone, and ask for the help he needs to heal from everything?
I'm glad you liked this, especially because I adore your long reviews... lol... so much fun and they always make me think and helps me clarify my own thoughts...
no subject
Date: 2006-11-01 02:49 am (UTC)He certainly expects to be rejected since he did nothing but please, placate and take care of others as we've seen by his behavior toward Dawn of the Living Dead in "The Gamble" and various scenes with Treywreck. He was parent and older sibling to those who should have been watching over him. Despite his efforts to shoulder the load and hold everyone together, it was he who was tossed aside, hurt and repeatedly abandoned- as if once wasn't enough. If he wasn't sure what he did to warrant that other than fail by not trying hard enough or killing himself in the process, then surely he sees everything from Sandy's and Kirsten's resurfaced difficulties that they never addressed, Kirsten's drinking, Seth's separation issues (even if he's the one who applied across the country and never mentioned being upset about leaving Ryan or home, only wanting to be near Summer WTF???, and then "M's" continued downward spiral and ultimate death. He never considers that she endangered him and could have easily hurt him or killed him during her self-destructive phases. The poor kid has a singular focus after a lifetime of training. If the Cohens were to give him his walking papers, he'd have nothing left. This way, he saves them from the scourge that is him and he protects himself.
Ryan calls Luke because he cares too much not to wonder and not to need confirmation that the Cohens are okay. He needs them to be okay because he's sacrificing himself so that they have that chance and they, not he, deserve it. This way, he makes a connection, he even eases their mind, but he doesn't give them the opportunity to have direct contact with him. They're spared that.
I'll be watching for the other dilemmas he faces and how he confronts each one as it assuredly registers deeper and deeper with him. The pain and loneliness are palpable!
no subject
Date: 2006-11-01 03:32 am (UTC)But on the more serious note of what you're saying... yeah, Ryan would see it as his own doing if they made him leave, and as you said, this way he saves everybody. They don't suffer the 'curse' of having him around, and he doesn't suffer the pain of abandonment yet again...
Yeah, he does it to spare them the direct contact, but also he's scared that if he talked to them, and they asked him to come home, he wouldn't have the strength to say no. He wouldn't be able to stay away, especially when he's the emotional wreck that he is now, and he can't risk that.
Things are gonna get a lot worse before they get better for him, but they will get better... eventually... lol... I'm a fan of the happy ending after all the drama (Despite killing him in 'We All Fall Down'... which by the way, I am working on a fleshed out version that gives info on the POV of the others... still a lot of 'telling' instead of showing, but there's little snapshots of full scenes with dialogue in there... lol...)
no subject
Date: 2006-11-01 05:16 am (UTC)We're also in agreement on the protection/rejection/abandonment dilemma. Once again, if only they had taken the time and tried to help him cope after he was first deposited on their doorstep... Too little far too late.
Ryan might want to let them choose to make their own "clean break" from him, but he can't completely cut the chord. It's not even about himself, it's for them, and that only shows how truly tangled and twisted this web is as it turns in on itself. He couldn't stay, but he can't stay away either. And if any of them asked, especially Kirsten or Sandy, he would placate them and the cycle of destruction, in his eyes, would be in place again.
Things are going to get a LOT worse? Poor thing. He's already homeless, destitute, fractured visibly and invisibly, alienated and completely alone. I'll watch the progression and wait for the eventual, gradual upswing too.
I do hope you work on developing a very long, probing, insightful, slowly-paced version or versions of "Fall Down." There's so much potential there- volumes worth if you really examine the correlation between emotions, issues and actions and how they all impact relationships. Have at it!
no subject
Date: 2006-11-01 05:50 am (UTC)There are so many issues that should have been dealt with from the beginning... most evident is that even after Dawn out right TOLD the Cohens that she let Ryan get hit, and he ran out of the room upset, none of them ever bothered to talk to him about it...
lol... take a good look at the table of prompts I have to work with, because I garauntee at least 7 of them are still to become fics for this little series... and that's not counting the prompt I posted for tonight (047 - Starve)... lol... and for this series, the lowest of the low points for Ryan is within the first 20 prompts... lol
I'm definitely working on it... maybe a couple fo fics focusing on the different important time periods... one focusing on that first year or so after the shooting, as Ryan tries to regain control of his left side, as he pushes Marissa further away, as the Cohens rally around him... then another focusing on Oliver going to trial and the fall out from that, through to high school ending and college beginning... a third could be the start of Ryan's relationship with Isabella, how he dealt with still recovering but at the same time having a girl like him even though his speech is still slurred and he limps... and so on... lol... lots of angst, drama, and family moments, but also some funny moments... lol
no subject
Date: 2006-11-01 11:24 pm (UTC)Kirsten might not have wanted to have any sympathy for Ryan since she was so prepared to view him as a no-good criminal and just wanted to blame him for forcing his own mother to throw him out. She never stopped to consider what could be involved. She was also, obviously, very sheltered and kept Sandy's job separate. Seth wouldn't have a clue- and still doesn't- because if it's not real to HIM specifically, it's not real in the truest sense. Sandy has no excuse. He worked in and around the legal and social systems for how many years? The family had how many resources both professional and financial at their disposal? Right from that revelation, and from what he had to suspect, he was telling Ryan that the behavior was justifiable on some level and that they didn't care enough to want to know- that he didn't matter enough.
I'll take a look at the prompts. There are some great stories and character analyses here. Anytime there are challenges to face, that's the foundation of great drama and interaction and how could someone not be attracted to Ryan as he battles so much with that innate grace and dignity- even if he sees himself as damaged goods even more than he did before. And we know he certainly did already...
no subject
Date: 2006-10-31 11:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-11-04 02:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-11-01 07:25 pm (UTC)