Another Day (Chapter Ten)

[missmara13]

Title: Another Day (Chapter Ten)
Author: Mara
Rating: R
Warnings: Language. Discussion of Suicide and Depression. AU. Spoilers for Seasons 1 to 3, especially the Season 3 finale. Possibly sex and violence in later chapters.
Summary: Ryan tries to move on with his life, but it's not always easy. Good thing he still has the Cohens and Summer to help him.


Chapter Ten


"Ryan, you don't have to do this," Kirsten said as she crouched next to the chair Ryan was in, grasping his hand.

"I think maybe I do," Ryan replied. "I mean, it's just a few days, and... and I can change my mind and leave if I want to..."

"But..." Sandy began, shaking his head.

"You're sure this is what you think you should do?" Summer asked, interrupting Sandy, as she crouched down in front of Ryan, her hands resting on his knees. "Like, you think this is what's best?"

Ryan nodded. "I think so."

"Okay," Summer said, standing up again and moving around to his side. "Then I'm gonna support it. But if I find out you're not doing well and just being stubborn and staying, I will kick your ass."

Ryan smiled and nodded slightly. "Deal."

"Don't tell me you actually think this is a good idea?" Sandy demanded.

"I don't know," Summer countered. "But Ryan does think so, and it's him we're talking about. He's the one hearing her and seeing her, and if this is what he thinks might help, then I think it's worth a shot, as long as it's what he wants."

"Summer's right," Kirsten said. "If you're sure about this, then... then we'll support it. But if you change your mind, all you have to do is call and we will come get you."

"I know," Ryan said.

"I promise, we're going to take good care of him," Dr. Harrison said. "We have a very good nurse to patient ratio, and..."

"How long?" Sandy asked.

"I'd like Ryan to stay at least a week. Get him a couple days past the anniversary, get the antipsychotics completely out of his system, see how he reacts to them not being there."

"Do you really think you can do that? Stay a week?" Sandy asked Ryan.

"If it'll help me stop seeing and hearing her? Then yeah, I can," Ryan insisted, leaning forward. "You don't know what it's like, Sandy. You couldn't understand. But I'm so tired of it, and I just... I want it to stop. And since my current meds aren't doing that, then maybe it's time to try something different."

"What about the antidepressants?" Kirsten asked.

"We're going to keep Ryan on those," Dr. Harrison said. "Although Ryan has told me that he'd like to get to where he doesn't need them, for now I think he still does."

"I know I still do," Ryan said. "Even with them, I... I don't feel like I used to. I have moments when it just seems... seems like it would have been better if I'd never come to Newport. But it's not crushing and pulling, and... and I can handle the depression with them. I can handle needing them. I just don't like taking something called antipsychotics, even though I know they're for hallucinations, not because I'm a psycho killer or anything."

"Now there's a twist I oughta send to the people currently running Atomic County," Summer said with a snort. "Kid Chino goes psychotic."

"Ah, but is it on the citizens of Atomic County? Or the demon waterpolo players?" Ryan replied, looking up at her with a slight smile. "Because no one's gonna care if he takes out the demon waterpolo players."

Summer laughed slightly and leaned down to wrap her arms around Ryan's shoulders and rest her cheek against the top of his head. "You're strong, Chino," she whispered. "And I believe in you."

"Thank you," Ryan replied, covering her hands with his own and closing his eyes.

"Should we... bring some of his things from home?" Kirsten asked. "Just... just a few things?"

Dr. Harrison nodded. "Some of his sketchbooks, because as I've told him, art is very theuraputic. Is there anything else specific you'd like them to bring you, Ryan?"

"The sketchbook Summer got me," Ryan said. "And... um... there's one labelled Arch 101, it's on my desk, should be right on top of the books. We're suppose to document interesting architectural features we see in our everyday lives, and I know this place has some I'd like to add."

"Geeze, Chino, check yourself into a mental hospital and you're still worried about homework," Summer whispered.

"Because I'm gonna be okay, and I refuse to fall behind in the meantime," Ryan said.

"I want to go ahead and get Ryan admitted and settled," Dr. Harrison said. "So why don't the three of you head out, and bring back what Ryan asked for?"

Kirsten nodded and stood slowly, as did Ryan and Summer. "We love you, honey," Kirsten said, hugging him tightly.

"I love you, too," Ryan said. He smiled when Kirsten released him and Sandy immediately grabbed him in a tight hug. "Do me a favor and call Trey? Tell him he won't be able to get in touch with me for a couple days. If he asks why, just... just tell him the truth. I'm getting some help."

"I will," Sandy said.

~~~~

Summer followed Sandy and Kirsten home, and found Julie, Kaitlin, and Neil were still at the house, cleaning up. "Ryan decided to check himself into Woodland for a few days," Kirsten said.

"What?" Kaitlin asked. "But..."

"He just got worse after we left the house," Summer said, going over to put an arm around Kaitlin. "He was hearing her, and by the time we got to Woodland for him to talk to Dr. Harrison... he was seeing her, too. It was... it was bad. And staying was totally his decision, and if he decides he can't handle it, he can call anytime and we'll come get him. And it's not forever, just until he's on even ground again."

"Is it really that bad?" Julie asked. "I mean..."

"When Ryan hears and sees her," Summer said. "It's her spouting all of his self doubts, all the negative stuff he thinks about himself. It's how he let her die, and how he doesn't deserve to be loved so much when love never saved her. We know it's a load of pull, but Ryan... it's hard for him to acknowledge that. So yeah, it's really that bad."

"We're going to get some things for him and take them back over," Kirsten said.

"We'll go," Neil said. "If you ned anything..."

"We'll call," Kirsten said, nodding.

"I'm gonna stick around a little longer," Summer said. "I'll be home later."

Once Julie, Neil, and Kaitlin had left, Summer sank down to sit on the couch. She leaned over and grabbed the sketchbook she'd given Ryan from the floor. "I think the winter holiday season has become my least favorite," she said quietly.

"He'll be okay," Kirsten said.

"He sounded so scared and sad... and it's not right," Summer said, shaking her head as she started to cry.

"Oh honey," Kirsten said, sitting down next to her and pulling her into a hug. "I know."

"He's doubting himself," Summer said. "Doubting whether he's ready to move to LA part time... I told him to wait until he talked to Dr. Harrison before he decided anything..."

"I worry about him being alone," Sandy said, sitting down on Summer's other side so they were bracketing the girl, offering her some much needed reassurance.

"Maybe... maybe we can get him to compromise," Summer said, sniffling. "I mean, I already told him I'm gonna hang out at his place constantly, maybe he and I could split a place. That way it's not empty when he's here, and when he's there he won't be alone."

"Are you sure you'd want that responsibility?" Kirsten asked.

"He's... he's Chino," Summer said. "He's my best friend, and I'd do anything for him. And it would be so much easier than sitting and wondering if he's okay."

"We'll mention it when he's feeling a little better," Kirsten said.

Summer nodded. "Yeah." She passed the sketchbook to Kirsten. "I'll go get the other one he wanted. I've seen it enough times to know exactly which one he means."

Once the girl had disappeared up the stairs, Kirsten sighed and leaned back. "I'm glad he has her," she said. "I would have forced the sedative on him, and... I would have hesitated to call Dr. Harrison..."

"You would have done fine," Sandy said.

"I just... she's right when she said it's not right. He doesn't deserve this."

"No, he doesn't," Sandy agreed.

~~~~

Ryan sat down on the bed in his room, pulling his legs up to his chest and leaning back against the wall as he tried to focus on the fact that he wasn't in the locked ward. If he wanted to, he could actually just walk right out of the hospital without having to talk to anyone. He wasn't going to, he knew he needed to be here right now, but it helped to know he could.

"This is beyond fucked up," Ryan muttered to himself as he laid his head down on his knees.

"That's the positive attitude we like to hear," Emily said as she came in, holding the hospital bracelet all inpatients had to wear. "I'm sorry, but it's procedure," she said as she sat down and lifted Ryan's arm so she could fasten it around his wrist.

"I know," Ryan said quietly. "I've seen enough of them."

"You're going to get through this, Ryan," Emily said. "I've known since the first time I met you that you were one of the strongest people I would ever meet."

"I was in baggy clothes, wouldn't make eye contact, and wouldn't talk," Ryan said.

"But there was still that inner strength, the kinda that said you might have been down, but you sure as hell weren't out."

"Did they teach you to swear at patients in nursing school?" Ryan asked.

"It was in the advanced class," Emily said with a smile. "You're going to make it, Ryan. I know it," she added before patting his knee and getting up to leave again.

Ryan sighed and leaned his head back. "I can do this."

"Of course you can," Marissa said as she stood in the middle of the room, looking around. "Because it's where you belong, Ryan. Locked up so you can't hurt anyone else you love."

"Just go away," Ryan mumbled. "I don't want to see you, and sooner or later I'm going to get better and you'll be gone."

"You can't escape your own guilty," Marissa said. "As long as you know it's your fault, I'll be right here." She came closer and sat down next to him gracefully, smoothing her skirt. "You had nightmares for weeks when you did save me, I'll be around for a hell of a lot longer since you didn't. Since you let me die."

"Volchak killed you. And I wanted to go for help, but you begged me to stay."

"No one expects me to be the smart one."

"Leave me alone," Ryan repeated, laying down and swinging his legs right through Marissa.

"That was rude," she said. "Especially to do to your own subconscious, since that's what they keep saying I am. A figment of your imagination." She laughed harshly and leaned over him, her hair falling around their faces. "Look at me, Ryan," she said softly, and he couldn't stop himself from opening his eyes. "I loved you. And you let me die."

"I tried..." Ryan whispered.

"You keep telling yourself that," Marissa said with a smirk.

The door opened again, and Ryan looked over at Dr. Harrison as the man walked in. When he looked back up, all he saw was the ceiling, Marissa was gone. Again. And as much as he wanted to be better, to stop seeing her, he still felt the loss.

To Be Continued...

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