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Feb. 14th, 2004 08:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missmara13Fell. Again.
This time... okay, my bed is too high up for our dog, Meja (A Pekinese and therefore LITTLE) to jump up on. SO I have this big plastic filing cabinet box thign next to my bed for her. Anyway, I climbed up on it to reach my curtains and close them, and all was good. Then I went to get down. My backpack was laying next to the cabinet, and my foot hit it, but since i was wearing socks I didn't feel the difference in texture between my backpack and the floor, so I put my weight on that foot. Bad move. the bag shifted, and I fell to the floor, HARD. Luckily I managed to twist and land on what padding I have on my butt instead of landing on my tailbone like I did like 2 weeks ago. So I can walk around without crying. It's sitting for too logn that hurts... lol
I also smacked my left foot on another one of the bricks supporting the orange chair. First I hit my inside right foot on one brick, then I slam my left foot into another... my middle toe got cut up and was bleeding. Had to use adhesive tape to steady it since it hurt and I didn't want dirt or fluff from socks getting into it... blah...I am such a clutz it's not funny.
Mom and I went out and had a late lunch/early dinner at Village Inn. I had my usual meal (No matter where we go, if it's on the menu I usual order it) a BLT. Over food we had this discussion on various topics, startign with Third Watch and speculation about next week's ep, we moved on to 9/11 and how it's my generations Pearl Harbor. That led back to tlaking about the fact that 3 major Country Changing events all hapened within a 100 years of each (The Stock Market crash, Pearl Harbor, and 9/11). That then led to discussing polotical stuff like how Reagan (I beleive it was Reagan... lol I forget at the moment) made itr possible for a lot of mentally ill people to be released from hospitals they NEEDED to be in, despite the fatc that these people woudl be incapable of takign care of themselves int he outside world. Which then led to (There MAY ahve been soemthign in between or it may ahve jsut bled into it... lol) a discussion about how a lot of problems in schools could be fixed if instead of targetting specific groups of kids as troubled and ones to watch, the schools instead cut down on bullying by actually watchign for that. Guess what? Most of the shooters in the school shootings didn't dress in all black at school. They dressed like everyone else. But kids who were lots of dark colors are beign tagged as anti-social and dangerous by schools. It pisses me off. I wore plenty of bright colors, but I still didn't really associate with anyone at school because they were jerks. Choice of clothing doesn't mean a damn thing. Neither does being 'anti-social' or a 'loner' mean a damn thing. In high school, would I have been pegged a threat for sitting against a wall and reading durinG freetime instead of talking to other kids?
I am quite certian that if my mom hadn't started home schooling me after 6th grade, by the time I entered High School I would have been ready to drop out, despite the fact that I used to love school. The fact was I didn't feel safe in school because of constant teasing. In just a few short years I went form loving school and being excited about it to being scared about what new way I was gonna be teased. It didn't help that my 2nd grade teacher made a habit of misspelling my name (No matter how many times both myself and my mom corrected her) and humilating me in front of the entire class. Thsoe are developmental years when a child's self esteem can be permenantly damaged. I was never really shy until that teacher. She made me scared to talk to people I didn't know really well because I thought they'd humiliate me like she did. How sad is that? She was suppose to protect me, and the other students, from teasing, and she did it herself.
Thankfully I do have some GOOD memories of school. My 1st grade teacher (When I was in an advanced class) was wonderful, and 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Carden, was fantastic too. I adored my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Espinoza, and my first 5th grade teacher (Who's name escapes me, I moved just 2 months into the school year) was great.
Mrs. Doyle, my 6th grade teacher, is probably my favorite though because she ALWAYS encouraged me to do work ahead in the book if I finished early. In fact, I saw Mrs. Doyle again like 2 years ago and she recognized me! Even after about 5 years, she recognized me when we bumped into eachother at a garage sale. It felt soooo good to know she remembered me, and she gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. It felt really nice. I still ahv epicture of her and me from the last day of 6th grade, when we had this GIGANTIC party thing at the park across the street from school. The fire department even came and sprayed their hoses to create a fun 'rain' area.
I've talked longer than I intended to, I just needed to talk, I guess. Get some stuff out in the open. Maybe this stuff will help like anyone who reads MOT (as far as I know that's only Laci! lol) understand why my 'hero' of the series is a guy who everyone kinda looks down on. He's not Mr. Perfect, but he's smart. He only has one really good friend (Jade, who is a mix of the good elements of my 2 childhood bestfriends), and people who were his friends but not really anymore (Which is what happened when I discovered my suppossed 2 best friends were isnulting me behind my back... they did it where my BROTHER could hear them for god's sake! How stupid was THAT?! Of course he told me, he didn't want me getting hurt later on!). He's a 'loner' of sorts, but he'd never really hurt someone unless he felt he had to. He's had his moment sof feelign lower than low, but he got over it (His bad period was after his brother died, mine was when we discovered my stepfather was a lying SOB), he has abandonment issues (For him it's with women sicne his mom always leave,s for me it's men since my dad was in and out fo my life, the stepfather I adored turned out to be a lying SOB)... Basically Luke Reed IS me, just taking the negative. But at the same time, he's also my brothers, especially Owen. Luke takes care of his sister Mira the way Owen always took care of me. The age difference is even similiar. I never even realized this stuff until just now.
My writing is a very personal thing. You cna tell how I'm feeling when I write something by how light hearted or how dark it is. I was in a pretty depressed mood when I wrote the part of TTTB when Lucky thought Emily had been killed, but was feeling better when Lucky discovered Em was alive. I was dealign with my brother's impending departure when I decided Rachel was going to leave town (Though I'm nowhere near as upset with Owen as Lucky was with Rachel! lol).
Yeah, I plan some dark stuff for my fics even when I'm in a good happy mood, I like angst, but when it gets really dark, when my 'heroes' are really depressed, you can pretty much tell it's how I'm really feeling. Tonight I'll probably either work on nothing, or work on something frvilous, something that's good or bad ratio doesn't matter because no one else will ever see it. I'm in too much pain to write happy stuff, but in too good a mood to write dark depressing stuff. And for me a middle ground is a little hard to find. Maybe I'll, jsut for myself, create an 'episode guide' for a webseries Idea that will most likely never see the light of day. It was so cool and fun writing the MOT Ep guide for Season 1 and the start of Seaosn 2 (Though I've only finsihed writing about half of Season 1's actual eps! lol), that I may try doing it with another genre. Maybe an X-Files-esque series. But just ep descriptions that are at most like a page or 2 long. Detailed, but not full eps.
Later!
This time... okay, my bed is too high up for our dog, Meja (A Pekinese and therefore LITTLE) to jump up on. SO I have this big plastic filing cabinet box thign next to my bed for her. Anyway, I climbed up on it to reach my curtains and close them, and all was good. Then I went to get down. My backpack was laying next to the cabinet, and my foot hit it, but since i was wearing socks I didn't feel the difference in texture between my backpack and the floor, so I put my weight on that foot. Bad move. the bag shifted, and I fell to the floor, HARD. Luckily I managed to twist and land on what padding I have on my butt instead of landing on my tailbone like I did like 2 weeks ago. So I can walk around without crying. It's sitting for too logn that hurts... lol
I also smacked my left foot on another one of the bricks supporting the orange chair. First I hit my inside right foot on one brick, then I slam my left foot into another... my middle toe got cut up and was bleeding. Had to use adhesive tape to steady it since it hurt and I didn't want dirt or fluff from socks getting into it... blah...I am such a clutz it's not funny.
Mom and I went out and had a late lunch/early dinner at Village Inn. I had my usual meal (No matter where we go, if it's on the menu I usual order it) a BLT. Over food we had this discussion on various topics, startign with Third Watch and speculation about next week's ep, we moved on to 9/11 and how it's my generations Pearl Harbor. That led back to tlaking about the fact that 3 major Country Changing events all hapened within a 100 years of each (The Stock Market crash, Pearl Harbor, and 9/11). That then led to discussing polotical stuff like how Reagan (I beleive it was Reagan... lol I forget at the moment) made itr possible for a lot of mentally ill people to be released from hospitals they NEEDED to be in, despite the fatc that these people woudl be incapable of takign care of themselves int he outside world. Which then led to (There MAY ahve been soemthign in between or it may ahve jsut bled into it... lol) a discussion about how a lot of problems in schools could be fixed if instead of targetting specific groups of kids as troubled and ones to watch, the schools instead cut down on bullying by actually watchign for that. Guess what? Most of the shooters in the school shootings didn't dress in all black at school. They dressed like everyone else. But kids who were lots of dark colors are beign tagged as anti-social and dangerous by schools. It pisses me off. I wore plenty of bright colors, but I still didn't really associate with anyone at school because they were jerks. Choice of clothing doesn't mean a damn thing. Neither does being 'anti-social' or a 'loner' mean a damn thing. In high school, would I have been pegged a threat for sitting against a wall and reading durinG freetime instead of talking to other kids?
I am quite certian that if my mom hadn't started home schooling me after 6th grade, by the time I entered High School I would have been ready to drop out, despite the fact that I used to love school. The fact was I didn't feel safe in school because of constant teasing. In just a few short years I went form loving school and being excited about it to being scared about what new way I was gonna be teased. It didn't help that my 2nd grade teacher made a habit of misspelling my name (No matter how many times both myself and my mom corrected her) and humilating me in front of the entire class. Thsoe are developmental years when a child's self esteem can be permenantly damaged. I was never really shy until that teacher. She made me scared to talk to people I didn't know really well because I thought they'd humiliate me like she did. How sad is that? She was suppose to protect me, and the other students, from teasing, and she did it herself.
Thankfully I do have some GOOD memories of school. My 1st grade teacher (When I was in an advanced class) was wonderful, and 3rd grade teacher, Mrs. Carden, was fantastic too. I adored my 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Espinoza, and my first 5th grade teacher (Who's name escapes me, I moved just 2 months into the school year) was great.
Mrs. Doyle, my 6th grade teacher, is probably my favorite though because she ALWAYS encouraged me to do work ahead in the book if I finished early. In fact, I saw Mrs. Doyle again like 2 years ago and she recognized me! Even after about 5 years, she recognized me when we bumped into eachother at a garage sale. It felt soooo good to know she remembered me, and she gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. It felt really nice. I still ahv epicture of her and me from the last day of 6th grade, when we had this GIGANTIC party thing at the park across the street from school. The fire department even came and sprayed their hoses to create a fun 'rain' area.
I've talked longer than I intended to, I just needed to talk, I guess. Get some stuff out in the open. Maybe this stuff will help like anyone who reads MOT (as far as I know that's only Laci! lol) understand why my 'hero' of the series is a guy who everyone kinda looks down on. He's not Mr. Perfect, but he's smart. He only has one really good friend (Jade, who is a mix of the good elements of my 2 childhood bestfriends), and people who were his friends but not really anymore (Which is what happened when I discovered my suppossed 2 best friends were isnulting me behind my back... they did it where my BROTHER could hear them for god's sake! How stupid was THAT?! Of course he told me, he didn't want me getting hurt later on!). He's a 'loner' of sorts, but he'd never really hurt someone unless he felt he had to. He's had his moment sof feelign lower than low, but he got over it (His bad period was after his brother died, mine was when we discovered my stepfather was a lying SOB), he has abandonment issues (For him it's with women sicne his mom always leave,s for me it's men since my dad was in and out fo my life, the stepfather I adored turned out to be a lying SOB)... Basically Luke Reed IS me, just taking the negative. But at the same time, he's also my brothers, especially Owen. Luke takes care of his sister Mira the way Owen always took care of me. The age difference is even similiar. I never even realized this stuff until just now.
My writing is a very personal thing. You cna tell how I'm feeling when I write something by how light hearted or how dark it is. I was in a pretty depressed mood when I wrote the part of TTTB when Lucky thought Emily had been killed, but was feeling better when Lucky discovered Em was alive. I was dealign with my brother's impending departure when I decided Rachel was going to leave town (Though I'm nowhere near as upset with Owen as Lucky was with Rachel! lol).
Yeah, I plan some dark stuff for my fics even when I'm in a good happy mood, I like angst, but when it gets really dark, when my 'heroes' are really depressed, you can pretty much tell it's how I'm really feeling. Tonight I'll probably either work on nothing, or work on something frvilous, something that's good or bad ratio doesn't matter because no one else will ever see it. I'm in too much pain to write happy stuff, but in too good a mood to write dark depressing stuff. And for me a middle ground is a little hard to find. Maybe I'll, jsut for myself, create an 'episode guide' for a webseries Idea that will most likely never see the light of day. It was so cool and fun writing the MOT Ep guide for Season 1 and the start of Seaosn 2 (Though I've only finsihed writing about half of Season 1's actual eps! lol), that I may try doing it with another genre. Maybe an X-Files-esque series. But just ep descriptions that are at most like a page or 2 long. Detailed, but not full eps.
Later!
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no subject
Date: 2004-02-15 03:50 am (UTC)You're right, your posts help people understand you better. It's always good to find out the stuff we need to know to know you if that makes any sense.
Re:
Date: 2004-02-15 04:08 am (UTC)And yes, it makes sense! lol I didn't even realzie the shyness/mean teacher and Luke/Me connections until I was typing about them! lol So it helps me understand myself, too.