Heavily Broken (Chapter Fifty Nine)
Mar. 5th, 2008 10:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missmara13Title: Heavily Broken (Chapter Fifty Nine)
Author: Mara
Rating: R
Warnings: Sex, mentions of rape, violence. Language.
Summary: Ryan didn't call Sandy after Dawn kicked him out, but he still finds his way to the Cohen family.
Notes: FINALLY a new chapter to this one... lol... last update was October 17th, 2007... yikes... lol...
Heavily Broken (Chapter Fifty Nine)
Many thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chrissydechagny for the most excellent banner!
"Isn't your family gonna get worried?" Alex asked the next morning when Ryan didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave.
"Probably," Ryan replied, leaning back on his elbows as he watched her get ready, and raising an eyebrow when she stripped out of her shirt right in front of him, though her back was turn. "And you really aren't giving me a reason to leave right this minute," he added.
Alex laughed. "All part of my evil plan," she said. "School?"
"I've got a pass for the rest of the year because of the 'emotional trauma'," Ryan said, rolling his eyes.
"I'll make you a deal, you call your family, let them know you're safe, and you can come help me at the club. I have stuff I could use a big strong man to help me move stuff around."
"Deal," Ryan said, leaning over to snag his cell phone from his jacket pocket and turn it back on. Immediately it began to beep that he had messages, but instead of checking them he just called Kirsten's cell.
"Ryan? Where are you? Are you okay?" Kirsten asked the moment she answered.
"I'm fine, and I'm at a friend's," Ryan replied. "I just... I know taking off isn't the answer, but I couldn't go home last night, so I crashed at a friend's."
"What friend? We called everyone and no one..."
"A new friend," Ryan said. "You don't know them."
"I don't know if I want you staying with friends we don't know," Kirsten said.
"I promise, I'll be home tonight, okay?" Ryan said. "I just need some time to myself, without anyone hovering."
"Keep your cell on and answer it if I call," Kirsten ordered.
"I will," Ryan promised.
"You're sure you're okay?"
"I'm sure," Ryan said.
~~~
"You work your ass off, I give you free tickets, it's how it works, Ryan," Alex said when he tried to refuse the tickets to the next night's concert.
"Music just isn't really my thing," Ryan said. "Unless it's Journey."
"What are you, 40?" Alex asked, laughing.
"Going on," Ryan replied, smiling.
"And people call me a freak," Alex teased.
Ryan chuckled, then sighed. "I should probably get going," he said. "Get home for dinner."
"I gave you my number, call if you need to talk," Alex said.
"Sure," Ryan replied, turning to leave.
Alex grabbed his jacket and pulled him over, slipping the envelope with the ticket's into his pocket. "It's how it works," she repeated.
"I'll see you, Alex," Ryan said.
"Show up and you'll get drinks on the house!" Alex called after him.
Ryan smiled and left the club, starting the long walk home.
~~~
He was halfway home when a car pulled up beside him and Luke got out, a look of mixed relief and anger on his face. "What the fuck, Chino? You drop a bombshell on Summer the other day and dump her then take off, then you refuse to see any of us. Last night you pull a disappearing act on the Cohens and scare the shit out of all of us. What the fuck?"
"I'm not in the mood to deal with this, Luke," Ryan replied.
"Just... is it really true?" Luke asked.
"Yeah, Luke," Ryan said, looking away. "I have HIV. And Summer was a bitch, I don't need that shit right now, so yeah, I dumped her."
"Let me give you a lift home," Luke offered.
"Luke..."
"Come on, Chino, I'm your friend," Luke said. "This shit doesn't change that, you and Summer being messed up doesn't change that."
Ryan sighed, but nodded. "Alright, whatever," he said, climbing into the truck.
"Where were you last night?"
Ryan sighed again. "I found out about a support group for people with HIV, and I went. I made friends with someone our age, and crashed at their place because I didn't want to deal with Sandy when I was so pissed at him."
"What happened to make you pissed?"
"He thinks my brother's bad for me," Ryan said. "That seeing Trey would upset me. Trey is the one person in my life that I have absolute trust and faith in. I know my brother loves me, and I... I needed to tell Trey about the HIV, and I... I just needed to see him." They lapsed into silence then, a silence that stretched out until they pulled into the Cohen driveway. "Thanks for the ride," Ryan said.
"I'm not taking sides, but... Summer is sorry for what she said to you before she knew."
"That's the problem, Luke," Ryan said. "She actually thought I would do that until I told her the truth. She actually trusted me that little." he shrugged. "Thanks again," he said before getting out and closing the truck door. He walked inside the house and immediately found himself facing the Cohens. "Look, I know..."
"Where were you?" Sandy asked.
"With a friend," Ryan said. "Like I told Kirsten."
"What friend?" Sandy pressed.
"Alex," Ryan said. "You haven't met."
"I don't know anyone named Alex," Seth said, frowning.
"Well, unless you hang out at clubs or Life Support meetings, you probably wouldn't," Ryan said. "Alex is HIV positive, too."
"Life Support?" Kirsten said.
"I found out there was a meeting last night at the community center. I went, I talked, I... I felt better. About everything," Ryan said.
"You should have come home, or at least called us," Sandy said.
"So you could tell me again how I'm being negative?" Ryan said.
"You are!" Sandy said.
"Stop it," Kirsten said firmly. "Both of you, this isn't helping anything."
Ryan ran his hands through his hair, the frustration almost overwhelming. "I am trying, Sandy, but I've only known I was sick for two days. That is not enough time for me to... I'm 16, Sandy, and I have a potentially deadly illness, and I feel like every dream I ever had is just gone. And I need more time to deal with that."
"I'm not sure you are," Sandy said.
Ryan let out a frustrated groan. "You know what my coping mechanism used to be, Sandy? Get drunk, get stoned, have sex. Except, whoops, kinda can't do any of that anymore."
"That's not a healthy..."
"It might not have been healthy, but it fucking worked," Ryan said. "But now, someone touches me the wrong way, and I have a fucking panic attack. The idea of sex? Makes me sick to my stomach. I always wanted to be a dad, and that sure as hell isn't gonna happen now. I need time to accept the negative so I can start looking at the positive. I don't plan on being this fucking depressed forever, but I can't start thinking positively in two days. Just... give me time, okay?"
Sandy seemed to deflate slightly after Ryan finished. "I don't want us to lose you because of this," he finally said.
Ryan ran his hands through his hair again. "I... I'm not gonna kill myself or some stupid selfish shit like that," he said. "I know it's not worth it, and knowing my luck I'd survive. And I'm not gonna runaway from the only... these last couple of months are the longest stretch I have ever spent without getting hit or... or worse... in my whole life. But right now, you are making all this harder, and accusing Trey of being bad for me? Wanting to keep me away from him..."
"I never said I didn't want you seeing him," Sandy protested.
"Unless you deemed that he wasn't good for me to be around," Ryan said. "I need my brother, Sandy. I told you last night, he is the one person in the world that I know with absolute certainty loves me unconditionally. There's no restrictions put on it. I could be the biggest success in the world or the biggest failure in the world, and Trey would still love me, he'd still be there for me. And I need him right now. The only reason I got through..." he paused, realizing he'd been about to talk about the group home in front of Kirsten and Seth. "The only reason I survived my childhood is Trey. He's always gonna be my safety net, and last night, everything you were saying to me just sounded like you were gonna take that away from me."
"I'm sorry," Sandy said.
Ryan closed his eyes for a minute, taking a deep breath, then letting it out slowly. "I know you didn't..." he said, then he trailed off and shrugged, suddenly exhausted.
"The food's getting cold, let's eat," Seth said, smiling when Ryan shot him a grateful look for giving him the out. "Then, I'm thinking maybe I should help Ryan practice his Playstation Mojo."
"My what?" Ryan asked, letting Seth's enthusiasm wash over him and push away the rest for now. He'd deal with it later, for now he needed a break.
"Playstation mojo," Seth repeated. "You know, it's like 'Google-Fu'..."
"Like what?" Kirsten asked as Sandy chuckled.
"Google-Fu... do you people know nothing of pop-culture?" Seth asked, exasperated.
As they headed for the kitchen, Sandy lightly patted Ryan's shoulder and offered him a smile. "I'll try to give you time," he said.
"Thanks, Sandy."
To Be Continued...
I'm gonna try to get a new banner made sometime soon... I wanna use my own artwork for my fics more now that I have the graphics software to do fancier stuff and I've actually gotta pretty good at it... lol
Author: Mara
Rating: R
Warnings: Sex, mentions of rape, violence. Language.
Summary: Ryan didn't call Sandy after Dawn kicked him out, but he still finds his way to the Cohen family.
Notes: FINALLY a new chapter to this one... lol... last update was October 17th, 2007... yikes... lol...
Heavily Broken (Chapter Fifty Nine)
Many thanks to
chrissydechagny for the most excellent banner!"Isn't your family gonna get worried?" Alex asked the next morning when Ryan didn't seem to be in a hurry to leave.
"Probably," Ryan replied, leaning back on his elbows as he watched her get ready, and raising an eyebrow when she stripped out of her shirt right in front of him, though her back was turn. "And you really aren't giving me a reason to leave right this minute," he added.
Alex laughed. "All part of my evil plan," she said. "School?"
"I've got a pass for the rest of the year because of the 'emotional trauma'," Ryan said, rolling his eyes.
"I'll make you a deal, you call your family, let them know you're safe, and you can come help me at the club. I have stuff I could use a big strong man to help me move stuff around."
"Deal," Ryan said, leaning over to snag his cell phone from his jacket pocket and turn it back on. Immediately it began to beep that he had messages, but instead of checking them he just called Kirsten's cell.
"Ryan? Where are you? Are you okay?" Kirsten asked the moment she answered.
"I'm fine, and I'm at a friend's," Ryan replied. "I just... I know taking off isn't the answer, but I couldn't go home last night, so I crashed at a friend's."
"What friend? We called everyone and no one..."
"A new friend," Ryan said. "You don't know them."
"I don't know if I want you staying with friends we don't know," Kirsten said.
"I promise, I'll be home tonight, okay?" Ryan said. "I just need some time to myself, without anyone hovering."
"Keep your cell on and answer it if I call," Kirsten ordered.
"I will," Ryan promised.
"You're sure you're okay?"
"I'm sure," Ryan said.
~~~
"You work your ass off, I give you free tickets, it's how it works, Ryan," Alex said when he tried to refuse the tickets to the next night's concert.
"Music just isn't really my thing," Ryan said. "Unless it's Journey."
"What are you, 40?" Alex asked, laughing.
"Going on," Ryan replied, smiling.
"And people call me a freak," Alex teased.
Ryan chuckled, then sighed. "I should probably get going," he said. "Get home for dinner."
"I gave you my number, call if you need to talk," Alex said.
"Sure," Ryan replied, turning to leave.
Alex grabbed his jacket and pulled him over, slipping the envelope with the ticket's into his pocket. "It's how it works," she repeated.
"I'll see you, Alex," Ryan said.
"Show up and you'll get drinks on the house!" Alex called after him.
Ryan smiled and left the club, starting the long walk home.
~~~
He was halfway home when a car pulled up beside him and Luke got out, a look of mixed relief and anger on his face. "What the fuck, Chino? You drop a bombshell on Summer the other day and dump her then take off, then you refuse to see any of us. Last night you pull a disappearing act on the Cohens and scare the shit out of all of us. What the fuck?"
"I'm not in the mood to deal with this, Luke," Ryan replied.
"Just... is it really true?" Luke asked.
"Yeah, Luke," Ryan said, looking away. "I have HIV. And Summer was a bitch, I don't need that shit right now, so yeah, I dumped her."
"Let me give you a lift home," Luke offered.
"Luke..."
"Come on, Chino, I'm your friend," Luke said. "This shit doesn't change that, you and Summer being messed up doesn't change that."
Ryan sighed, but nodded. "Alright, whatever," he said, climbing into the truck.
"Where were you last night?"
Ryan sighed again. "I found out about a support group for people with HIV, and I went. I made friends with someone our age, and crashed at their place because I didn't want to deal with Sandy when I was so pissed at him."
"What happened to make you pissed?"
"He thinks my brother's bad for me," Ryan said. "That seeing Trey would upset me. Trey is the one person in my life that I have absolute trust and faith in. I know my brother loves me, and I... I needed to tell Trey about the HIV, and I... I just needed to see him." They lapsed into silence then, a silence that stretched out until they pulled into the Cohen driveway. "Thanks for the ride," Ryan said.
"I'm not taking sides, but... Summer is sorry for what she said to you before she knew."
"That's the problem, Luke," Ryan said. "She actually thought I would do that until I told her the truth. She actually trusted me that little." he shrugged. "Thanks again," he said before getting out and closing the truck door. He walked inside the house and immediately found himself facing the Cohens. "Look, I know..."
"Where were you?" Sandy asked.
"With a friend," Ryan said. "Like I told Kirsten."
"What friend?" Sandy pressed.
"Alex," Ryan said. "You haven't met."
"I don't know anyone named Alex," Seth said, frowning.
"Well, unless you hang out at clubs or Life Support meetings, you probably wouldn't," Ryan said. "Alex is HIV positive, too."
"Life Support?" Kirsten said.
"I found out there was a meeting last night at the community center. I went, I talked, I... I felt better. About everything," Ryan said.
"You should have come home, or at least called us," Sandy said.
"So you could tell me again how I'm being negative?" Ryan said.
"You are!" Sandy said.
"Stop it," Kirsten said firmly. "Both of you, this isn't helping anything."
Ryan ran his hands through his hair, the frustration almost overwhelming. "I am trying, Sandy, but I've only known I was sick for two days. That is not enough time for me to... I'm 16, Sandy, and I have a potentially deadly illness, and I feel like every dream I ever had is just gone. And I need more time to deal with that."
"I'm not sure you are," Sandy said.
Ryan let out a frustrated groan. "You know what my coping mechanism used to be, Sandy? Get drunk, get stoned, have sex. Except, whoops, kinda can't do any of that anymore."
"That's not a healthy..."
"It might not have been healthy, but it fucking worked," Ryan said. "But now, someone touches me the wrong way, and I have a fucking panic attack. The idea of sex? Makes me sick to my stomach. I always wanted to be a dad, and that sure as hell isn't gonna happen now. I need time to accept the negative so I can start looking at the positive. I don't plan on being this fucking depressed forever, but I can't start thinking positively in two days. Just... give me time, okay?"
Sandy seemed to deflate slightly after Ryan finished. "I don't want us to lose you because of this," he finally said.
Ryan ran his hands through his hair again. "I... I'm not gonna kill myself or some stupid selfish shit like that," he said. "I know it's not worth it, and knowing my luck I'd survive. And I'm not gonna runaway from the only... these last couple of months are the longest stretch I have ever spent without getting hit or... or worse... in my whole life. But right now, you are making all this harder, and accusing Trey of being bad for me? Wanting to keep me away from him..."
"I never said I didn't want you seeing him," Sandy protested.
"Unless you deemed that he wasn't good for me to be around," Ryan said. "I need my brother, Sandy. I told you last night, he is the one person in the world that I know with absolute certainty loves me unconditionally. There's no restrictions put on it. I could be the biggest success in the world or the biggest failure in the world, and Trey would still love me, he'd still be there for me. And I need him right now. The only reason I got through..." he paused, realizing he'd been about to talk about the group home in front of Kirsten and Seth. "The only reason I survived my childhood is Trey. He's always gonna be my safety net, and last night, everything you were saying to me just sounded like you were gonna take that away from me."
"I'm sorry," Sandy said.
Ryan closed his eyes for a minute, taking a deep breath, then letting it out slowly. "I know you didn't..." he said, then he trailed off and shrugged, suddenly exhausted.
"The food's getting cold, let's eat," Seth said, smiling when Ryan shot him a grateful look for giving him the out. "Then, I'm thinking maybe I should help Ryan practice his Playstation Mojo."
"My what?" Ryan asked, letting Seth's enthusiasm wash over him and push away the rest for now. He'd deal with it later, for now he needed a break.
"Playstation mojo," Seth repeated. "You know, it's like 'Google-Fu'..."
"Like what?" Kirsten asked as Sandy chuckled.
"Google-Fu... do you people know nothing of pop-culture?" Seth asked, exasperated.
As they headed for the kitchen, Sandy lightly patted Ryan's shoulder and offered him a smile. "I'll try to give you time," he said.
"Thanks, Sandy."
To Be Continued...
I'm gonna try to get a new banner made sometime soon... I wanna use my own artwork for my fics more now that I have the graphics software to do fancier stuff and I've actually gotta pretty good at it... lol
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 06:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 07:31 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 10:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 07:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-03-06 10:24 pm (UTC)While I'll have to read some of the previous chapter to put it all in the proper context since the memory is playing tricks on me, I do really like Ryan's struggle to articulate all of his very confusing and overwhelming feelings. He's being bombarded and facing something yet again that no one his age should have to contend with, especially on top of all that he has already endured and is currently attempting to process and cope with.
What stands out and resonates is the way he explains trying to absorb and deal with the negative and the positive in a way that makes sense to him. You have his intelligence- including his emotional intelligence, on display there. He may think he isn't good with words, but he does choose them carefully and he states that part of his battle and his perspective so honestly and eloquently. Accepting the negative before being able to determine any positive course seems so very in character- and very justified.
The Cohens might be overwhelmed and scared too and are acting out of concern, but they can't possibly imagine any of what he's gone through, and how this adds to those cumulative traumas or how Ryan has to be feeling.
Many thanks.
thank you
Date: 2008-03-24 07:15 pm (UTC)well done
Date: 2008-05-07 07:30 pm (UTC)