Stepping Stones (Defining Love 2)
Jan. 26th, 2007 04:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missmara13Title: Stepping Stones (Defining Love 2)
Author: Mara
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: Language. Sex, but nothing too graphic...
Summary: Love is one of those things you can't really define sometimes, and the best kind of love is the kind that defies definition entirely.
Notes: Sequel to 'Defining Love'. Rewinds to the beginnings of Ryan/Alex. Each story will have it's own title, and they will be snapshots of Ryan's life as a single dad...
Defining Love - Stepping Stones
"You goddamn fucking asshole!"
Ryan didn't realize the angry voice was talking to him at first, so he didn't look up from cleaning a table. Then he felt a shove to his shoulder and finally lifted his head to see Alex glaring at him coldly, her blonde hair free of unnatural colors and hanging limply around her face and over her black blouse. "Good to see you too," he said in a monotone before turning back to his work. "But I'm busy."
"You couldn't show up to her fucking funeral?" Alex asked. "You were the love of her life, and you couldn't be bothered to show up?!" she spit out.
"I already said my goodbyes," Ryan replied, turning away again.
"You're a fucking asshole!"
"You said that already," Ryan said, looking up again. "And so did Summer. And Seth called me selfish... and I heard Kirsten and Sandy talking about how I'm a fucking robot because they haven't seen me cry. So trust me, Alex, you yelling at me? Not gonna hurt."
"She loved you!" Alex yelled, shoving him again.
"And I dealt with it!" Ryan yelled back. "I dealt with it while I sat on that goddamn road for six fucking hours, holding her body in my arms waiting for someone to come because she had begged me not to leave her! I cried then! I grieved then! I don't need to go to a goddamn funeral and have people stare at me and whisper about me, and talk about how Marissa was a fucking saint when she wasn't! She screwed over everyone, including me and including you!" He regretted the harshness of his words when he saw how Alex deflated, the anger fading into shaking shoulders and silent tears. "Alex..." he began, stepping forward and pulling her into his arms.
"You're a goddamn fucking asshole," she repeated again, though without the venom.
Ryan sighed and patted her shoulder. "I'm off in ten minutes, we can go somewhere and talk."
~~~
'Talking' turned into 'drinking'... which turned into the two of them stumbling into Ryan's lousy apartment, already pulling eachother's clothes off in between ferverent kisses... which turned into sex against the wall with Alex's legs wrapped around Ryan's waist and his mouth latched onto the spot where her neck met her shoulder. Afterwards, they collapsed into Ryan's bed, and fell asleep.
But when Ryan woke up in the morning, Alex was gone without so much as a note, and he was alone in his misery and guilt again, this time compounded by the fact that he had fucked his dead high school sweetheart's former lesbian lover who had also once dated his foster brother slash best friend... oh yeah, Ryan wasn't completed fucked up.
He got up and headed into his small bathroom only to find a note written in lipstick on the mirror. Got work. If you wanna go again, call me. followed by her phone number. Ryan couldn't helping grinning even as he scrubbed the message off the mirror. There had definitely been one good thing about the night before, Alex had a good body and most definitely wasn't scared to demand to be fucked against the wall.
~~~
He called her a couple days later, on his day off, and smiled slightly when she answered sounding annoyed. "Hello to you, too, Alex," he said.
"Ryan," Alex replied in a tone of mild surprise but without the annoyance, something Ryan took as a good sign. "What's up?"
"Had the day off, got nothing to do..."
"And no one?" Alex asked.
Ryan grinned, almost able to picture the look on her face. "Something like that."
"I'm managing a place in LA now, the Diablo. Got my own office with a nice big leather couch..."
"Ooh," Ryan said, leaning back against the wall. "That an invitation?"
"If you wanna get laid, you better get your ass down her by 10, or I'll find someone else."
"I'll try to make it," Ryan said, licking his lips in anticipation.
~~~
Ryan bit back a groan a couples months later as he lay on the couch in Alex's office and she ground her pelvis against him, hunched over and holding his wrists over his head while she controlled the entire thing. He didn't like giving up control most of the time, no matter who he was with, but he knew he could stop Alex at any time if for some reason he wanted to, so he let her stay in total control, even if he did buck his hips upwards to keep inside her as she lifted up slightly.
"Fuck," he gasped as he came with a shudder, followed almsot immediately by Alex, who then pulled off of him and let go of his wrists to stretch her body over his.
"Having fun?" she teased.
"No, not at all," Ryan gasped back, giving her a teasing smile as he said the same thing she had months ago during their first rendevous on the couch. "What if someone comes in?"
"I told the bartender to only bug me if there's an emergency," Alex said, running a hand down Ryan's face and smiling at how his chest was still heaving. She leaned in and kissed him deeply, loving the feeling of his hands sliding over her back and sides. "When's your next night off?" she asked as she pulled back from the kiss.
"Another two weeks," Ryan replied. "I'm doing some extra work..."
"What's the extra work?" Alex asked, curious, as she got off of him and started to get dressed again.
"You really wanna know?" Ryan replied, propping himself up on his elbows.
"Wouldn't ask if I didn't."
"Cage fighting."
Alex stopped with her pants up but undone and her shirt half on, and stared at him. "What?" she asked.
"Cage fighting," Ryan repeated. "I get in a cage with another guy, we beat the hell out of eachother until somebody passes out or gives up, the other guy wins. Either way it's good money, and I keep winning."
"Isn't that dangerous?" Alex asked, yanking her shirt down the rest of the way and zipping up her jeans.
"Didn't think you cared," Ryan replied, getting up and reaching for his own clothes. "I'm just a quick fuck whenever, aren't I?"
"Fuck you," Alex said. "Asshole."
"Bitch," Ryan replied, yanking his jeans up. "What, Alex, you gonna tell me that cage fighting's not right for me, I should get a nice job, and I should go to college?"
"Maybe you should!" Alex replied.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Ryan asked, laughing harshly. "You of all people have no business advising me about my life, Alex!"
"What the fuck does that mean?" Alex demanded.
"It means you're screwing your dead ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend!" Ryan replied. "How much more fucked up can you get!"
"You're screwing me right back!" Alex countered.
"Yeah, except I don't tell you that your too good for this dive and should get a job where you get to ahve some self respect!" Ryan snapped as he yanked his shirt on over his head and stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind him.
"Fuck," Alex said, shaking her head.
~~~
Alex didn't show up or call for about a month, then suddenly she showed up in the hall outside Ryan's apartment, sitting with her head resting on her knees. "What?" Ryan asked, not even looking at her as he unlocked his door andw alked in, leaving the door open.
"We gotta talk," Alex replied, getting to her feet and following him inside.
"So talk," Ryan replied, finally turning as Alex closed the door and seeing how pale and shaky she looked. "Alex?"
"I shouldn't have said it was okay to go without a condom," Alex said bluntly.
"What?" Ryan asked, shocked.
"Apparently I'm a one in a million girl who birth contorl doens't work so well for," Alex clarified. "I'm pregnant," she added after a moment when Ryan didn't say anything.
"But..." Ryan began. "Are you... are you sure..."
"Three home tests and a doctor's visit," Alex said. "Yeah, I'm knocked up. Thanks a lot for that by the way."
"Are you sure it's mine?" Ryan aske,d immediately regretting it when he saw the look on her face. "Alex, I..."
"Go to hell," Alex said, turning and yanking the door open then slamming it closed behind her.
Ryan continued to stand in the middle of the room, not sure what to do now. This wasn't suppose to happen. He never wanted this to happen.
~~~
Ryan figured that Alex's coworkers knew what an asshole he was when he stepped into Diablo and promptly got a cold glare from the bartender, Nate, who previously had joked around with him. "Where is she?" Ryan asked.
"Why? You gonna yell at her again?" Nate asked. "Because it takes a special kind of asshole to yell at a pregnant girl."
Ryan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "And it takes a special kind of bitch to say the shit she did, then jsut show up and drop a bomb like this in my lap," he replied. "Now where the fuck is she so I can apologize and talk to her about this?"
"Office," Nate said. "Probably throwing up."
"Thanks for making me seem like mroe of an asshole," Ryan muttered as he headed up the stairs to the manager's office, and cracked opent he door, immediately hearing the sounds of heaving int he bathroom. He slowly wlaked over, feeling another surge of guilt as he saw Alex hunched over the toilet. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
Alex looked up, trying to give him a cold glare, then just shaking her head and lowering it to rest on her arm. "I should've found a better way to tell you," she replied.
"Well, yeah," Ryan said, grabbing some papertowels and getting them damp before sitting down on the floor beside her and gently wiping her face clean with one, then just gently pressing the other one to her forehead. "That feel better?" he asked.
"A little," Alex replied. "Why are you here?"
"I didn't mean it the way it came out," Ryan said. "I just... we never said anything about being exclusive... and, I know I didn't hook up with anyone, but that doesn't mean you didn't, and... I've been through the whole pregnant girl I don't love thing before, and it ended with her lying and telling me she had a miscarriage."
"Who did that to you?" Alex asked, sitting up and leaning back agaisnt the wall.
"Her name was Theresa. She was my best friend, and occasionalyl more, and... I was prepared to love her son like my own, whether he was or not, and there was a good chance he wasn't, and it killed me when she told me she had a miscarriage. And it killed me again when I found out the baby was alive but Theresa said he wasn't mine. I just... I panicked. If you say this baby's mine, then I believe you. I just... I need to know if it's possible..."
"I haven't slept with anyone but you since that first time," Alex said. "I didn't plan this..."
"I know," Ryan replied, lifting an arm and putting it around Alex's shoulders as she leaned against him, all ehr toughness gone and replaced with a scared girl. "Whatever you decide to do, I'll be here to help you," he said.
"I don't think I'm cut out to be a mom," Alex said. "But I can't just... get rid of it."
"We'll figure out something," Ryan said, stroking her hair and turning to press his lips to the top of her head. "I promise, I'm not going to disappear."
"If you do, I'll send Nate after you," Alex joked, the lsightest hint of a smile on her face.
Ryan chuckled. "Only thing scarier is if you came yourself," he whispered.
~~~
"So, this is your place?" Ryan asked as Alex led him into her small apartment.
"No, I just used a key to enter's a stranger's place," Alex replied.
"Right, stupid question," Ryan agreed, nodding.
"You want something to drink?" Alex asked. She saw the flash of something in his face and smiled. "Water, juice, or tea. I'm not gonna drink while pregnant, and I've alreayd cut out coffee so no one makes me quit chocolate."
"Anyone who tried would be an idiot and a dead man," Ryan agreed, nodding. "And water's fine."
Alex grabbed a bottle of water and pured herself a glass of orange juice before going to sit ont he couch and gesturing for RYan to join her. "So, we need to talk, right?"
"Yeah," Ryan agreed. There was a long awkward silence before he spoke again. "How far along are you?"
"About 15 weeks," Alex said. "I found out not long after that last fight in my office, and I've spent all the time since trying to work up the nerve to tell you."
"And then I accuse you of fucking around with other guys," Ryan says, sighing as he leaned forward and ran a hand over his face. "I'm sorry, Alex."
"Like you said, we didn't tlak about whether we were exclusive or not," Alex said. "You had to ask."
"It was a shitty thing to say to you when... when you looked like that."
"Like what?" Alex challenged.
"Like you were about to burst into tears," Ryan said. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that part," he added after a moment, earning himself a small smile.
"What do you want me to do?" Alex asked.
"It's your decision," Ryan said.
"You would just agree if I wanted to hand the baby over to strangers?" Alex asked.
For a split second, Ryan had a flash of the foster home he'd been in when he was 10, where the kids had constantly been reminded that their parents didn't want them or love them, and in an instant he blurted out a response he hadn't intended to say. "No. If you don't want the baby I'll raise it."
"What?" Alex asked, surprised. "But..."
"I know what it is to not be wanted or loved, Alex," Ryan said. "I can't... I can't risk my kid ending up with people who wouldn't love it. I'll raise it."
"How? You live in a shitty apartment and you cage fight," Alex said. "You gonna keep doing that while you raise our kid? Let it see you all beat up all the time?"
"What's it matter to you if you don't want it?" Ryan countered.
"I never said I don't want it!" Alex said. "But I am not cut out to be a mother..."
"At least you admit it," Ryan said, sighing.
"Your mother?" Alex asked.
"I could never treat my child like she treated me and Trey," Ryan said. "And neither could you, even if you think you'll be a lousy mom, you'd never be like she was."
"How are you gonna raise this baby in that place?" Alex repeated, her hand automatically going to her stomach.
Ryan hesitated, then reached out to cover her hand with his own. "I won't," he whispered. "It's about time I stopped avoiding the Cohens. The poolhouse is big enough for a crib beside the bed, and... and then I can save money on rent..."
"You should go to college," Alex whispered. "Even back... before... I knew you were smart. You're too smart for bartending and cage fighting."
"I can't make money if I'm in school," Ryan said.
"Let the Cohens help you," Alex insisted. "I'm sure they will."
Ryan sighed, his gaze steady on her and Alex's hands as they covered her belly. "If we do this, if I take custody... are you just going to walk away? Because if you tell me you don't want to be in it's life, there's no turning aorund and changing your mind later. It would be confusing, and..."
"I don't know," Alex said. "I can't raise it, I'll screw the kid up. But... I don't want it to not know who I am."
"We'll work something out," Ryan promised.
To Be Continued...
Author: Mara
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: Language. Sex, but nothing too graphic...
Summary: Love is one of those things you can't really define sometimes, and the best kind of love is the kind that defies definition entirely.
Notes: Sequel to 'Defining Love'. Rewinds to the beginnings of Ryan/Alex. Each story will have it's own title, and they will be snapshots of Ryan's life as a single dad...
Defining Love - Stepping Stones
"You goddamn fucking asshole!"
Ryan didn't realize the angry voice was talking to him at first, so he didn't look up from cleaning a table. Then he felt a shove to his shoulder and finally lifted his head to see Alex glaring at him coldly, her blonde hair free of unnatural colors and hanging limply around her face and over her black blouse. "Good to see you too," he said in a monotone before turning back to his work. "But I'm busy."
"You couldn't show up to her fucking funeral?" Alex asked. "You were the love of her life, and you couldn't be bothered to show up?!" she spit out.
"I already said my goodbyes," Ryan replied, turning away again.
"You're a fucking asshole!"
"You said that already," Ryan said, looking up again. "And so did Summer. And Seth called me selfish... and I heard Kirsten and Sandy talking about how I'm a fucking robot because they haven't seen me cry. So trust me, Alex, you yelling at me? Not gonna hurt."
"She loved you!" Alex yelled, shoving him again.
"And I dealt with it!" Ryan yelled back. "I dealt with it while I sat on that goddamn road for six fucking hours, holding her body in my arms waiting for someone to come because she had begged me not to leave her! I cried then! I grieved then! I don't need to go to a goddamn funeral and have people stare at me and whisper about me, and talk about how Marissa was a fucking saint when she wasn't! She screwed over everyone, including me and including you!" He regretted the harshness of his words when he saw how Alex deflated, the anger fading into shaking shoulders and silent tears. "Alex..." he began, stepping forward and pulling her into his arms.
"You're a goddamn fucking asshole," she repeated again, though without the venom.
Ryan sighed and patted her shoulder. "I'm off in ten minutes, we can go somewhere and talk."
~~~
'Talking' turned into 'drinking'... which turned into the two of them stumbling into Ryan's lousy apartment, already pulling eachother's clothes off in between ferverent kisses... which turned into sex against the wall with Alex's legs wrapped around Ryan's waist and his mouth latched onto the spot where her neck met her shoulder. Afterwards, they collapsed into Ryan's bed, and fell asleep.
But when Ryan woke up in the morning, Alex was gone without so much as a note, and he was alone in his misery and guilt again, this time compounded by the fact that he had fucked his dead high school sweetheart's former lesbian lover who had also once dated his foster brother slash best friend... oh yeah, Ryan wasn't completed fucked up.
He got up and headed into his small bathroom only to find a note written in lipstick on the mirror. Got work. If you wanna go again, call me. followed by her phone number. Ryan couldn't helping grinning even as he scrubbed the message off the mirror. There had definitely been one good thing about the night before, Alex had a good body and most definitely wasn't scared to demand to be fucked against the wall.
~~~
He called her a couple days later, on his day off, and smiled slightly when she answered sounding annoyed. "Hello to you, too, Alex," he said.
"Ryan," Alex replied in a tone of mild surprise but without the annoyance, something Ryan took as a good sign. "What's up?"
"Had the day off, got nothing to do..."
"And no one?" Alex asked.
Ryan grinned, almost able to picture the look on her face. "Something like that."
"I'm managing a place in LA now, the Diablo. Got my own office with a nice big leather couch..."
"Ooh," Ryan said, leaning back against the wall. "That an invitation?"
"If you wanna get laid, you better get your ass down her by 10, or I'll find someone else."
"I'll try to make it," Ryan said, licking his lips in anticipation.
~~~
Ryan bit back a groan a couples months later as he lay on the couch in Alex's office and she ground her pelvis against him, hunched over and holding his wrists over his head while she controlled the entire thing. He didn't like giving up control most of the time, no matter who he was with, but he knew he could stop Alex at any time if for some reason he wanted to, so he let her stay in total control, even if he did buck his hips upwards to keep inside her as she lifted up slightly.
"Fuck," he gasped as he came with a shudder, followed almsot immediately by Alex, who then pulled off of him and let go of his wrists to stretch her body over his.
"Having fun?" she teased.
"No, not at all," Ryan gasped back, giving her a teasing smile as he said the same thing she had months ago during their first rendevous on the couch. "What if someone comes in?"
"I told the bartender to only bug me if there's an emergency," Alex said, running a hand down Ryan's face and smiling at how his chest was still heaving. She leaned in and kissed him deeply, loving the feeling of his hands sliding over her back and sides. "When's your next night off?" she asked as she pulled back from the kiss.
"Another two weeks," Ryan replied. "I'm doing some extra work..."
"What's the extra work?" Alex asked, curious, as she got off of him and started to get dressed again.
"You really wanna know?" Ryan replied, propping himself up on his elbows.
"Wouldn't ask if I didn't."
"Cage fighting."
Alex stopped with her pants up but undone and her shirt half on, and stared at him. "What?" she asked.
"Cage fighting," Ryan repeated. "I get in a cage with another guy, we beat the hell out of eachother until somebody passes out or gives up, the other guy wins. Either way it's good money, and I keep winning."
"Isn't that dangerous?" Alex asked, yanking her shirt down the rest of the way and zipping up her jeans.
"Didn't think you cared," Ryan replied, getting up and reaching for his own clothes. "I'm just a quick fuck whenever, aren't I?"
"Fuck you," Alex said. "Asshole."
"Bitch," Ryan replied, yanking his jeans up. "What, Alex, you gonna tell me that cage fighting's not right for me, I should get a nice job, and I should go to college?"
"Maybe you should!" Alex replied.
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Ryan asked, laughing harshly. "You of all people have no business advising me about my life, Alex!"
"What the fuck does that mean?" Alex demanded.
"It means you're screwing your dead ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend!" Ryan replied. "How much more fucked up can you get!"
"You're screwing me right back!" Alex countered.
"Yeah, except I don't tell you that your too good for this dive and should get a job where you get to ahve some self respect!" Ryan snapped as he yanked his shirt on over his head and stormed out of the office, slamming the door behind him.
"Fuck," Alex said, shaking her head.
~~~
Alex didn't show up or call for about a month, then suddenly she showed up in the hall outside Ryan's apartment, sitting with her head resting on her knees. "What?" Ryan asked, not even looking at her as he unlocked his door andw alked in, leaving the door open.
"We gotta talk," Alex replied, getting to her feet and following him inside.
"So talk," Ryan replied, finally turning as Alex closed the door and seeing how pale and shaky she looked. "Alex?"
"I shouldn't have said it was okay to go without a condom," Alex said bluntly.
"What?" Ryan asked, shocked.
"Apparently I'm a one in a million girl who birth contorl doens't work so well for," Alex clarified. "I'm pregnant," she added after a moment when Ryan didn't say anything.
"But..." Ryan began. "Are you... are you sure..."
"Three home tests and a doctor's visit," Alex said. "Yeah, I'm knocked up. Thanks a lot for that by the way."
"Are you sure it's mine?" Ryan aske,d immediately regretting it when he saw the look on her face. "Alex, I..."
"Go to hell," Alex said, turning and yanking the door open then slamming it closed behind her.
Ryan continued to stand in the middle of the room, not sure what to do now. This wasn't suppose to happen. He never wanted this to happen.
~~~
Ryan figured that Alex's coworkers knew what an asshole he was when he stepped into Diablo and promptly got a cold glare from the bartender, Nate, who previously had joked around with him. "Where is she?" Ryan asked.
"Why? You gonna yell at her again?" Nate asked. "Because it takes a special kind of asshole to yell at a pregnant girl."
Ryan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "And it takes a special kind of bitch to say the shit she did, then jsut show up and drop a bomb like this in my lap," he replied. "Now where the fuck is she so I can apologize and talk to her about this?"
"Office," Nate said. "Probably throwing up."
"Thanks for making me seem like mroe of an asshole," Ryan muttered as he headed up the stairs to the manager's office, and cracked opent he door, immediately hearing the sounds of heaving int he bathroom. He slowly wlaked over, feeling another surge of guilt as he saw Alex hunched over the toilet. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
Alex looked up, trying to give him a cold glare, then just shaking her head and lowering it to rest on her arm. "I should've found a better way to tell you," she replied.
"Well, yeah," Ryan said, grabbing some papertowels and getting them damp before sitting down on the floor beside her and gently wiping her face clean with one, then just gently pressing the other one to her forehead. "That feel better?" he asked.
"A little," Alex replied. "Why are you here?"
"I didn't mean it the way it came out," Ryan said. "I just... we never said anything about being exclusive... and, I know I didn't hook up with anyone, but that doesn't mean you didn't, and... I've been through the whole pregnant girl I don't love thing before, and it ended with her lying and telling me she had a miscarriage."
"Who did that to you?" Alex asked, sitting up and leaning back agaisnt the wall.
"Her name was Theresa. She was my best friend, and occasionalyl more, and... I was prepared to love her son like my own, whether he was or not, and there was a good chance he wasn't, and it killed me when she told me she had a miscarriage. And it killed me again when I found out the baby was alive but Theresa said he wasn't mine. I just... I panicked. If you say this baby's mine, then I believe you. I just... I need to know if it's possible..."
"I haven't slept with anyone but you since that first time," Alex said. "I didn't plan this..."
"I know," Ryan replied, lifting an arm and putting it around Alex's shoulders as she leaned against him, all ehr toughness gone and replaced with a scared girl. "Whatever you decide to do, I'll be here to help you," he said.
"I don't think I'm cut out to be a mom," Alex said. "But I can't just... get rid of it."
"We'll figure out something," Ryan said, stroking her hair and turning to press his lips to the top of her head. "I promise, I'm not going to disappear."
"If you do, I'll send Nate after you," Alex joked, the lsightest hint of a smile on her face.
Ryan chuckled. "Only thing scarier is if you came yourself," he whispered.
~~~
"So, this is your place?" Ryan asked as Alex led him into her small apartment.
"No, I just used a key to enter's a stranger's place," Alex replied.
"Right, stupid question," Ryan agreed, nodding.
"You want something to drink?" Alex asked. She saw the flash of something in his face and smiled. "Water, juice, or tea. I'm not gonna drink while pregnant, and I've alreayd cut out coffee so no one makes me quit chocolate."
"Anyone who tried would be an idiot and a dead man," Ryan agreed, nodding. "And water's fine."
Alex grabbed a bottle of water and pured herself a glass of orange juice before going to sit ont he couch and gesturing for RYan to join her. "So, we need to talk, right?"
"Yeah," Ryan agreed. There was a long awkward silence before he spoke again. "How far along are you?"
"About 15 weeks," Alex said. "I found out not long after that last fight in my office, and I've spent all the time since trying to work up the nerve to tell you."
"And then I accuse you of fucking around with other guys," Ryan says, sighing as he leaned forward and ran a hand over his face. "I'm sorry, Alex."
"Like you said, we didn't tlak about whether we were exclusive or not," Alex said. "You had to ask."
"It was a shitty thing to say to you when... when you looked like that."
"Like what?" Alex challenged.
"Like you were about to burst into tears," Ryan said. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone that part," he added after a moment, earning himself a small smile.
"What do you want me to do?" Alex asked.
"It's your decision," Ryan said.
"You would just agree if I wanted to hand the baby over to strangers?" Alex asked.
For a split second, Ryan had a flash of the foster home he'd been in when he was 10, where the kids had constantly been reminded that their parents didn't want them or love them, and in an instant he blurted out a response he hadn't intended to say. "No. If you don't want the baby I'll raise it."
"What?" Alex asked, surprised. "But..."
"I know what it is to not be wanted or loved, Alex," Ryan said. "I can't... I can't risk my kid ending up with people who wouldn't love it. I'll raise it."
"How? You live in a shitty apartment and you cage fight," Alex said. "You gonna keep doing that while you raise our kid? Let it see you all beat up all the time?"
"What's it matter to you if you don't want it?" Ryan countered.
"I never said I don't want it!" Alex said. "But I am not cut out to be a mother..."
"At least you admit it," Ryan said, sighing.
"Your mother?" Alex asked.
"I could never treat my child like she treated me and Trey," Ryan said. "And neither could you, even if you think you'll be a lousy mom, you'd never be like she was."
"How are you gonna raise this baby in that place?" Alex repeated, her hand automatically going to her stomach.
Ryan hesitated, then reached out to cover her hand with his own. "I won't," he whispered. "It's about time I stopped avoiding the Cohens. The poolhouse is big enough for a crib beside the bed, and... and then I can save money on rent..."
"You should go to college," Alex whispered. "Even back... before... I knew you were smart. You're too smart for bartending and cage fighting."
"I can't make money if I'm in school," Ryan said.
"Let the Cohens help you," Alex insisted. "I'm sure they will."
Ryan sighed, his gaze steady on her and Alex's hands as they covered her belly. "If we do this, if I take custody... are you just going to walk away? Because if you tell me you don't want to be in it's life, there's no turning aorund and changing your mind later. It would be confusing, and..."
"I don't know," Alex said. "I can't raise it, I'll screw the kid up. But... I don't want it to not know who I am."
"We'll work something out," Ryan promised.
To Be Continued...
