Another Day (Part Nine)

[missmara13]

Title: Another Day (Chapter Nine)
Author: Mara
Rating: R
Warnings: Language. Discussion of Suicide and Depression. AU. Spoilers for Seasons 1 to 3, especially the Season 3 finale. Possibly sex and violence in later chapters.
Summary: Ryan tries to move on with his life, but it's not always easy. Good thing he still has the Cohens and Summer to help him.


Chapter Nine


When Summer pulled up in front of Woodland Hospital, Dr. Marcus Harrison was waiting outside and immediately came over to open the passenger and crouch down to talk to Ryan. "How are you doing, Ryan?" he asked gently.

"Is that all shrinks can say?" Marissa asked, tilting her head. "How does he think you're doing?"

"She won't shut the hell up," Ryan replied quietly.

"Who won't?"

"Marissa. I know she's not there, I know... but I can't make her stop."

"Ryan, what made her start talking?" Dr. Harrison asked, not yet making any move to take Ryan inside. "Ryan?"

"My watch," Ryan replied, looking down at it. "The engraving... and she said something..."

"What's the engraving say, and what did she say?"

"It says... it says 'We love you', and she said... she said love didn't do her much good..."

Summer covered her mouth with her hand to keep from saying anything. This wasn't right or fair, and the sad thing is she knew Marissa had been cruel enough to say something like that.

"Is that all?"

Ryan shook his head. "There wasn't anything else for a while... then... then Seth invited a girl over, and... and she made a comment about Art being an easy class... and I... I snapped at her that it's not easy, that it's hard, and... and then Marissa... she said that I'm gonna fail because the meds mess up my memory sometimes and I can't remember all the little things my professor keeps putting on exams... and that I'm pathetic..."

"Why haven't you mentioned before about your memory being impaired?" Dr. Harrison began, deciding that was the safest topic.

Ryan shook his head. "I don't know. It just... it didn't seem important... and it works, it keeps me okay..."

"But you're not okay now, are you?"

Ryan shook his head again. "No."

"Did you take your meds last night?"

Ryan nodded. "Yeah."

"Did anything else stressful happen recently?"

"I... I don't... no..."

"Anything not... usual?"

"I talked to my brother," Ryan said. "I called him. But... it was a good conversation."

"Why do you keep talking to him after what he did to me?" Marissa demanded. "Did you forget already?"

"Stop it," Ryan said, bowing his head.

"What's she saying, Ryan?"

"She's mad that I talked to Trey. Because of what he tried to do to her..."

"Why don't we go inside?" Dr. Harrison asked, gently putting an arm around Ryan's shoulders and pulling him to his feet. "Get you some water?" When Ryan nodded, they started towards the doors. "Summer, how about you go find a parking spot, and then the nurse at the front desk will tell you where to go."

Summer nodded. "Okay," she said. "I'll see you in a little bit, Chino, okay?"

Ryan nodded. "Okay."

~~~~

When Summer walked into the hospital, the first time she'd actually been inside despite having dropped Ryan off or picked him up a few times in the last several months, she was struck by how calm and normal it seemed. She'd half expected to see a bunch of depressed people in pajamas and bathrobes slumped in chairs and staring at bland walls. Instead, she found the lobby was brightly lit and had art hanging on the walls, the staff wore bright clothes, and the patients seemed happy. Summer took a deep breath as she approached the front desk.

"Excuse me?" she said. "Dr. Harrison is with my friend, and he said someone could tell me where to go to wait?"

"Oh, you must me Summer," a nurse who's nametag read 'Emily', said as she walked over. "Dr. Harrison took Ryan up to his office, so I'll take you to the family waiting room."

"Thanks," Summer said.

"You've never been here before, have you?"

"No," Summer admitted. "I dropped him off or picked him up a few times, but... I've never been inside."

"It's different than on TV, huh?" Emily asked. "Dr. Harrison and the rest of the staff try very hard to keep Woodland from seeming like a Psychiatric Hospital, it helps the patients, both in residence and outpatient, feel more comfortable and less scared."

"Ryan would freak out in the kind of place they always seem to show on TV," Summer said quietly. "Too much like prison or Juvie. I guess that's why they chose here for him, because it's... it's nice, and not... not somewhere he thinks he'll be locked away in."

"We usually try to avoid the term 'locked away'," Emily said with a slight smile. "The truth is? Everyone here who's met Ryan, both staff and other patients, love him. He actually listens when the other patients are talking, and when he talks about the Cohens, and about you, it tends to end with even people who were having a bad day smiling."

Summer smiled. "I'm glad other people see that side of him sometimes," she said. "He's always been so serious, at least as long as I've known him, but when he smiles... it just..." she paused, shrugging. "It makes things seem like they'll be okay. That's why it's so damn scary when he's... when he's freaking out." She stopped and shook her head. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't be..."

"We consider talking to family and friends of our patients, letting them get things out, to be just as important as interacting with the patient themself," Emily said. "It's good to know there's so many people around Ryan who love him."

"He's my best friend," Summer said. "He even basically took my side over his foster brother's, and they've been best friends since like the moment they met."

"What happened?" Emily asked.

"Seth cheated on me. With multiple girls, all in the past year that I've been a couple hours drive away. He could keep it in his pants while I was in Rhode Island at Brown, but I come home and suddenly it's skankapalooza. And today he invited one of them over for Chrismukkah dinner, knowing I would be there. Ryan really started loosing it when she suggested he was taking the art classes because they're easy, which they totally aren't."

"Wow," Emily said. "And I thought my ex getting married a year after we split up was harsh."

"Cohen's a flake, plain and simple," Summer said. "Ryan would do anything for him, but he's never there for Ryan. It's always gotta be all about Seth. It's bull and it's not fair or right."

"Preaching to the choir," Emily said as they stepped into a comfortable waiting room that had a few people milling around. "Do you want me to stay with you until Dr. Harrison and Ryan come out?" she asked.

Summer shook her head. "I'll be okay. And I'll bet the Cohens are gonna be here soon, so I won't be alone."

Emily nodded. "Well, I'll bring them up when they get here. If you need anything, just ask Alana, the nurse over at the desk up here. She'll help you."

"Thanks," Summer said. She watched Emily leave, then looked around and headed for an empty chair to sit down. She hesitated a minute, then pulled her legs up to her chest and rested her head on her knees.

"You don't have to worry, the doctors here are very good," an older woman sitting on the couch said.

"I know," Summer said. "My friend's been in outpatient here for almost a year, but... he had an... episode... and until I see him and he's sounding like himself, I'm gonna be freaked."

"Who's his doctor?" a man asked.

"Dr. Harrison," Summer replied.

"Oh! Are you here with Ryan?" the woman asked. "We saw him go in there a little while ago. He's such a sweet boy. I've sat in on some group sessions with my granddaughter, and Ryan's always trying to reassure her."

"He's the greatest," Summer agreed. "I've known him since we were 15, and he's always been there for his friends. Which is why it's so totally not right that he's going through all this stuff that he is."

"Are you his girlfriend?" the man asked.

"No," Summer said, blushing and shaking her head. "I used to date his foster brother, but Ryan and I are just friends."

"You keep telling yourself that, honey," the woman said, reaching out to pat Summer's foot.

~~~~

"Feeling calmer?" Dr. Harrison asked.

Ryan nodded, taking a deep breath and letting it out. "Yeah."

"Now that you're a little more..."

"Rational?" Ryan offered.

Dr. Harrison chuckled slightly. "I love when my patients recognize that they're sometimes less than rational," he said. "But yes, now that your more rational, do you want to explain something you said before?"

"What?"

"You told me when we first came inside, that you refused a sedative when Kirsten offered it. Why?"

Ryan sighed. "Because those sedatives usually make me fall asleep. And if I fall asleep after seeing or hearing Marissa, I dream about her. A lot of times about that night. And she was... I heard her mentioning the dreams, and... I couldn't handle that."

"Pa-thetic," Marissa sneered from where she was sitting on the window seat, staring at her fingernails in disdain.

"I'm seeing her now," Ryan said.

"Where?"

"By the window. She's calling me pathetic."

"She's wrong," Dr. Harrison said.

"Don't you mean I'm wrong?" Ryan asked. "You keep telling me that it's not Marissa's ghost, it's my own subconscious lashing out and my guilt manifesting itself in the most painful way possible," he said, quoting back what he had been told.

"It's good that you remember that," Dr. Harrison said. "But it doesn't feel like that, does it? It feels like it's Marissa, a girl you loved, who's angry and bitter."

"Yeah," Ryan said, looking at her then looking away. "I don't like this."

"I know. We can try changing your meds..."

"And when they stop working, you switch me to something else, then something else," Ryan said. "The end result being that I'm doped up for the rest of my life. And I don't want that. I want... I want to be able to stop taking meds. I'm not... I know I can't just stop, but I want to be where I don't need them."

"You know that you may need antidepressants for a long time to come," Dr. Harrison said.

"I know. But I want to be done with the antipsychotics and the other stuff for the hallucinations. If it's not working anyway, maybe... maybe I can try not being on them at all? Just dealing with things without them? If I see or hear her, I tell someone and talk about it instead of popping a pill to make it artificially better then it's all still there inside."

"You sure you're not taking psychology?" Dr. Harrison asked. "It's refreshing to have someone sitting in that chair who doesn't think pills are the answer to everything."

"That's what happens when 99% of your patients spend money like they've never been hungry. Except that's the problem, they never have been."

"Ryan, if we're going to wean you off some of your meds... I'd feel better if you checked yourself into Woodland for a few days."

"What?" Ryan asked.

"I'm not insisting, we can work things out for you to be outpatient, but I would prefer if you were inpatient until we saw what sort of effect it had on you."

"But..."

"That's the thing about admitting yourself, Ryan, you can sign yourself out at any time," Dr. Harrison said. "It would be voluntary, and I would never force you to stay here if you changed your mind. And I promise, if you don't want to stay, we'll figure out an outpatient routine so I can monitor you better."

Ryan wrapped his arms around his middle, his gaze flickering from Dr. Harrison, to Marissa, then out the windwos to Summer and the Cohens, who were standing in the waiting room. Summer was clearly crying as she talked to Kirsten and Sandy, and Kirsten pulled her into a hug, smoothing her hair. "Okay," Ryan said. "I'll... I'll stay."

To Be Continued...


How was that for an cliffhanger? lol