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missmara13Paralyzed!Ryan Verse, angsty but.. you'll see it's not overly so in the end.
Ryan had a chance once, and almost took it. He'd been home from the hospital three days and the home nurse had left his bottle of pain meds on the table while she went to get him a bottle of water for swalling the pills. He actually poured a few extra pills into his hand and hid them under the pillow, and that night after he'd been left alone for the night, he'd pulled them back out and counted them, wondering if there were enough of them to do the job or if he should get more next dose to be sure. In the end, he'd put them back under his pillow to wait for another day.
But 'another day' never came because he always found a reason to wait. Either it was too risky to take more pills, or there was too big a chance Sandy or Kirsten or the nurse would walk in and catch him swallowing the handful. Kirsten had a bad day at work and he didn't want to make it worse. Kirsten had a great day and he didn't want to ruin it.
After a while, Ryan actually forgot the pills were stashed in the nightstand drawer, tucked away at the back, and didn't remembered until over a year later when Summer was poking through the drawer to find a pen to do the crossword and found them.
"What are these?" Summer asked as she came back out of his room, though the horrified look on her face said she knew exactly why he had them there.
"Summer..." Ryan began quietly from where he was getting ready to put in a movie.
"No, just... no! You are not allowed to do this, Chino!"
"What's going on?" Kirsten asked as she walked in.
"It's nothing..." Ryan tried.
"He's been hoarding meds," Summer said bluntly, dumping the little baggie of pills out on the coffee table.
"I..."
"Oh my God," Kirsten said, the blooding draining out of her face.
"Kirsten, I stopped a long time ago," Ryan said quickly. "I just... I was so... I forgot I even had them," he admitted. "Right after I came home, I was so... I was depressed, you know that. I was in pain, and I was angry, and I was scared, so I...when I saw the bottle sitting within reach, and the nurse was out of the room, I... I grabbed them. But I stopped thinking about it a long time ago, okay? I was... you know what I was like those first couple weeks, I just... But I didn't. And I am long past that phase, okay? I don't... I haven't even thought about it in passing in a very long time."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Kirsten asked, sinking down to crouch in front of him.
"Because at the time I was thinking of it I actually wanted to and telling you would kinda get in the way of mnaging to kill myself?" Ryan replied. "I know it was a bad idea, and I promise, if I ever start to feel that way again, I will tell you so I can get some help, but at the time... there was nothing that made me want to live. As far as I could see, my life was over, and... and that's just not true anymore. I know better. I'm okay." He looked from her, up to Summer. "I promise, I'm okay. I don't... I don't wanna die anymore. It was just a really bad time, and you both know it. Kirsten, you were there the day I blew up at Seth, you saw how angry and scared I was. And when the anger went away, all I felt was scared."
"Oh baby," Kirsten said, moving to embrace him. "I'm so sorry we didn't see that."
"It's okay," Ryan replied, returning the hug. "It wasn't like 'quiet and sullen' was unusual for me," he added.
The End
Ryan had a chance once, and almost took it. He'd been home from the hospital three days and the home nurse had left his bottle of pain meds on the table while she went to get him a bottle of water for swalling the pills. He actually poured a few extra pills into his hand and hid them under the pillow, and that night after he'd been left alone for the night, he'd pulled them back out and counted them, wondering if there were enough of them to do the job or if he should get more next dose to be sure. In the end, he'd put them back under his pillow to wait for another day.
But 'another day' never came because he always found a reason to wait. Either it was too risky to take more pills, or there was too big a chance Sandy or Kirsten or the nurse would walk in and catch him swallowing the handful. Kirsten had a bad day at work and he didn't want to make it worse. Kirsten had a great day and he didn't want to ruin it.
After a while, Ryan actually forgot the pills were stashed in the nightstand drawer, tucked away at the back, and didn't remembered until over a year later when Summer was poking through the drawer to find a pen to do the crossword and found them.
"What are these?" Summer asked as she came back out of his room, though the horrified look on her face said she knew exactly why he had them there.
"Summer..." Ryan began quietly from where he was getting ready to put in a movie.
"No, just... no! You are not allowed to do this, Chino!"
"What's going on?" Kirsten asked as she walked in.
"It's nothing..." Ryan tried.
"He's been hoarding meds," Summer said bluntly, dumping the little baggie of pills out on the coffee table.
"I..."
"Oh my God," Kirsten said, the blooding draining out of her face.
"Kirsten, I stopped a long time ago," Ryan said quickly. "I just... I was so... I forgot I even had them," he admitted. "Right after I came home, I was so... I was depressed, you know that. I was in pain, and I was angry, and I was scared, so I...when I saw the bottle sitting within reach, and the nurse was out of the room, I... I grabbed them. But I stopped thinking about it a long time ago, okay? I was... you know what I was like those first couple weeks, I just... But I didn't. And I am long past that phase, okay? I don't... I haven't even thought about it in passing in a very long time."
"Why didn't you tell us?" Kirsten asked, sinking down to crouch in front of him.
"Because at the time I was thinking of it I actually wanted to and telling you would kinda get in the way of mnaging to kill myself?" Ryan replied. "I know it was a bad idea, and I promise, if I ever start to feel that way again, I will tell you so I can get some help, but at the time... there was nothing that made me want to live. As far as I could see, my life was over, and... and that's just not true anymore. I know better. I'm okay." He looked from her, up to Summer. "I promise, I'm okay. I don't... I don't wanna die anymore. It was just a really bad time, and you both know it. Kirsten, you were there the day I blew up at Seth, you saw how angry and scared I was. And when the anger went away, all I felt was scared."
"Oh baby," Kirsten said, moving to embrace him. "I'm so sorry we didn't see that."
"It's okay," Ryan replied, returning the hug. "It wasn't like 'quiet and sullen' was unusual for me," he added.
The End
