100_Situations - Desperate Times (019 - Whore)

[missmara13]

Title: Desperate Times
Fandom: The OC
Characters: Ryan Atwood, Original
Prompt: 019 - Whore
Word Count: 999
Rating: R (For Sexual Content, but not graphic, the prompt oughta clue you in... lol)
Summary: Ryan was desperate to make some money, no matter how much he hated himself for it.
Author's Notes: Comes after: 'Finality', 'Breakaway', and 'A Gnawing Pain'.



Desperate Times


Ryan saw Sandy less than 24 hours after using the credit card, and he immediately wished he'd just tossed the card in the trash as a wave of panic washed over him. Sandy was angry and yelling, and there was no way Ryan could face him now. So, instead, he headed straight towards the bad part of town, and found a bar to hustle pool. He won two games for a total of 65 dollars, but that wasn't anywhere near enough for a bus ticket so he decided to try a different place in hopes of hustling people with more money.

He'd barely walked out the door when one of the men he'd beaten walked up to him and offered him 20 bucks for a blowjob. Ryan hesitated, swallowing down bile at the thought, but the man offered 30 and he agreed, going into a back alley to get on his knees and do what he was being paid for.

When it was over, Ryan hesitantly asked the man if he knew any areas where he could get more business, and the man had pointed him down the street, telling him a pretty boy like him could make lots of cash.

~~~~

By the end of the night, Ryan was sitting in a seat at the back of a bus, his bag wedged between him and the window, and $100 tucked into his jacket pocket. He leaned against his bag, trying to fight the nauseas that was hitting him in waves, the hatred that was continuous, and the knowledge that he would do it again if he had to. It was the turning point, he couldn't go back to Newport now, he couldn't face them after what he had just done.

He made another $50 in a bathroom at a rest stop halfway to Chicago, pressed against the wall with his pants around his ankles and a sweaty trucker behind him. When it was over and the trucker had left, Ryan locked the door then turned and threw up, heaving until there was nothing left and the bus driver was pounding on the door to tell him they were pulling out in 5 minutes.

~~~~

When he got to Chicago, he got a hotel room to keep his things in, then found a street to work. He needed to build up a stash of cash so that he wouldn't have to do this again in his life. The next evening, his neighbor two rooms down spotted him on the street and took him back to the hotel. Turned out the guy liked hitting as much as he liked the sex, and by the time it was over Ryan had a busted lip and was wishing he'd gotten a cast on his wrist last time he'd broken it. He went back to his room to grab his things, then left the hotel as quick as he could, terrified of running into the man again.

That was how he ended up at an all night diner, finishing his burger at the counter, just in time for Lindsay to walk in. She looked just like he remembered her, but he must have looked different because her gaze slid past him at first, then snapped back, her eyes wide.

"Ryan?" she questioned, leaving her friends to hurry over. "Oh my God."

"Lindsay, hi," Ryan said. "I... I forgot you moved to Chicago."

"What are you doing here?" Lindsay asked, looking at the bruises on his face.

"Long story," Ryan replied. "But I have to go..." he added, dropping the money for the bill on the counter and quickly walking out of the diner, but heard her come after him.

"Ryan..."

"I've gotta go," Ryan repeated.

"Kirsten called me," Lindsay said. "A couple months ago. She told me about Marissa, and... and I'm sorry."

"Lindsay, please don't," Ryan said.

"She's scared for you," Lindsay said. "She thought maybe you came to see me."

"Can you do me a favor?" Ryan asked. "Can you call her and tell you I did?"

"What?"

"Call her and tell her I came to see you, could only stay a little while, but I was passing through Chicago and came to see you. And... and tell her I'm okay."

"But you're not, are you?"

"I can't go back, Lindsay," Ryan said. "Not after... after everything. I can't."

"Call her."

"No, because I don't want to hear her cry, and I know her, she will. And she'll beg me to come home, and... it's just better if I don't call and don't go."

"They're scared."

"That's why you should call and tell them you saw me, and that I'm okay."

Lindsay surged forward and pulled him into a hug. "Think about asking for help, Ryan."

"You wouldn't understand," Ryan replied, pulling back. "Will you call?"

Lindsay hesitated, then nodded. "I'll tell her I've seen you. But I won't lie. If she asks how you looked, I'm gonna tell her that I think you're sick, and that you're holding your arm like it's hurt."

"I broke it about a week ago," Ryan said. "Should have gotten a cast, but... but I didn't."

"Take better care of yourself," Lindsay pleaded.

"When I've got the money to do it, I will," Ryan said.

Lindsay dug into her purse and pulled out a thick roll of bills. "Take it," she said, grabbing his good wrist and pressing the money into his hand. "The place I work has good tips, I'll make it up tomorrow."

"Lindsay..."

"Just... take it."

Ryan looked at the money, then down the block, where he could see other people who were working the street. "Thanks," he said, slipping the money into his pocket. "I... I'm glad you're doing good." With that, he turned and walked away, past the other people on the job, and towards the bus station. He was ready to leave Chicago behind, ready to stop doing something that made him sick, and determined to start doing something he wouldn't be ashamed of.

THE END

Comments

[reader85.livejournal.com]

Whoa... When I saw this prompt on the table I wished so hard that you wouldn't use it in this series but you did. But as always great job! I really can't imagine how Ryan is trying to get lower than this.

Loved Lindsay on the show and loved her here.

Can't wait for the sequel, and can't wait for 020. Heh, Ryan being Summer's slave... My mind is going through thousands of scenarios right now. But I hope next part will be a little bit better for Ryan.

[missmara13]

I had to use the prompt somehow, and in this way I easily create the situation for it: he's alone, he's already been at a point of starving, he thinks he's nothing, and he's totally broke... but yeah, even though this isn't what finally drives him to get help, it *IS* his lowest moment, though it just serves to give him one more reason not to go home to Newport...

I adored Lindsay, hated that she left and the way she did (all of a sudden, just ditching Ryan like everyone else always has)...

Next part does get a little better, there's still some low moments (just not this low) but it's better. And 020... it has no official name yet, but... lol... I can say it probably won't be smutty (although I kinda wanna have it be smutty... lol... Summer totally takes advantage of the situation... lol)... my current plan, though, is humor and friendship... lol

[reader85.livejournal.com]

If his lowest moment won't drive him to get help, I can't help but wonder, what will?

And, btw, love your Runaway-icon. Just noticed it.

[missmara13]

You shall see... lol

And the Runaway icon is brand new, just made it a little while ago, then went back and edited all the fics in this series to use it... also editted the other entries about 100_Situations to use a 'Ryan' icon made from a similiar pic (Same photo shoot, I believe... lol)... made those two icons, along with one for a Ryan-centric fic I may or may not someday post called 'Heavily Broken'... it's a major AU story... Ryan never called Sandy after Dawn kicked him out, and he ended up becoming Hooker!Ryan and living in a crappy apartment that he shared with roaches and rats... then he encounters Sandy again... lol

[beachtree.livejournal.com]

Roaches and rats and bears- oh my! Hee.

No, I haven't read this installment yet, but the page opened on this comment reply, so I couldn't resist.

[missmara13]

lol... thankfully no bears, the apartment would just be too small if there was one of those around... lol... but there is a roach named 'Godzilla' who lives behind the toilet... lol

[beachtree.livejournal.com]

For real? Does he think in Japanese with his mind and mouth out of sequence?

[missmara13]

Nah, just really angry and looks he'd enjoy destroying a city...

[beachtree.livejournal.com]

That's in character.

[knightdawn.livejournal.com]

i LURVE u so much...u manage to update almost every day...ur soo awesome...ur two stories are my faves at the moment...

[jazzyjackrabbit.livejournal.com]

First off, nicely written. But I'm not a big fan of Whore Ryan stories. Eek!
When I read the title, I really hoped you would make him go to the whores and not be one. But I does fit into your series, I guess. So I'm glad you decided to give him a decent job...

[missmara13]

How could I ahve Ryan go to a hooker? Please, that boy does NOT need to pay for it... lol...

[beachtree.livejournal.com]

I'm glad your version of Sandy is right on the ball and absolutely seized the opportunity Ryan's desperation provided while he also recognized what straits Ryan had to be in to resort to revealing his location. Sandy would be a man on a mission now who would know without a doubt that Ryan would see himself as without options and therefore consciously putting himself at risk- both in terms of giving the Cohens clues as a trade off and also indicating he would be willing to engage in other reckless behavior that would compromise himself. Obviously, he's right.

When you said things would get FAR worse for Ryan, you meant it. For someone with so much integrity who not only was devalued and dehumanized by the most important people in his life from his earliest memories, but also from strangers and those who were determined to hurt him, he also had to have witnessed certain acts against others he cared about. His own sense of worthlessness, combined with the seed planted by that first "customer," who very well might have tried to force Ryan if he hadn't cooperated, are the impetus for a desperate, desolate, hollow kid to both punish and sustain himself. The self-loathing becomes a vicious cycle as he then allows others to use and hurt him in a way that he thinks will prove to himself and to everyone that he can't be redeemed and that he has crossed the line. The light inside still burns, however, and the physical assault still touches that place that he tried to deaden and eliminate. He can't dim his survival instincts and his compass won't be buried.

It's almost as if he expects others to see a neon scarlet "A" of sorts, especially when Lindsay doesn't immediately recognize him. He's projecting his own feelings of guilt and shame and not realizing that she doesn't expect to see him in that environment and that his physical appearance has to be a shock. No one can see the scars inside and no one knows the choices he's faced. Lindsay only knows him and her feelings for him and sends the message that nothing alters that. Like Luke, she becomes a messenger, but she's just as direct at conveying the concern and worry they all feel. She knows she has no hold on Ryan, but she helps him in her small way with her emotional and financial contribution and just the familiar contact. She helps him and she helps the Cohens by making it clear that she'll reveal just how stricken she was by the site of him too.

Talk about a lost soul...

[missmara13]

I hope it came across the way I intended, that Ryan believed Sandy was mad at him or at the very least will continue to be angry and transfer the anger onto him... of course he's wrong, but at this point, after around a year on his own and all he's already been through, he can't see that.

I do provide what I promise, huh? Even though the idea disgusts him, he's broke and not making enough hustling pool and the idea is already long in his head (really since childhood...) that he's basically worthless and dispensable, it was something that he saw as neccesary, and at the same time not beneath him because, in his state of mind, he's one of the lowest of the low. Plus, it gives him that excuse, however misguided and untrue, that he can't go back to the Cohens because now he is 'dirty' and tainted. It gives him that reason to stay away, which he needs to have because otherwise he's scared he'll give in. Every bus station is a temptation to buy a ticket for California, and he needs that reason to say no to it.

Ryan does expect others to see it, because he always expects others to see the worst in him, even as he manages to see the best in them (He sees the worst, too, he just ignores it in those he loves)... And exactly, Lindsay didn't expect to see Ryan in Chicago, his hair longer and not exactly clean, his clothes dirty and baggy, unshaven, and hunched over a plate with such an air of defeat around him. If she ever expected to see him again, it would have been looking like he had before, smiling when he saw her instead of making an excuse to runaway. She wants to cling to him, to make him sit down and talk to her, but she knows it won't work because he's clearly not doing well but still won't just go home. She still does, as you said, help him the onyl ways she thinks she stands any chance of succeeding at, the hug that tells him that people still love him and care, and the money that, even though she doesn't know it, keeps him from putting himself at risk yet again, if only for the moment. And her words, her insistance that he needs to take better care of himself, is another reminder that there are people who care, people who want him to be okay, people that WILL help if he'll only ask. Hell, she proves with the money that he doesn't need to ask, all he has to do is show up and they'll offer, and then all that's left is for him to let them help.

At least he finally got one much needed hug...

[beachtree.livejournal.com]

The poor kid got one of a million much-needed hugs and probably at almost his lowest emotional point, most consuming state of self-loathing and most distressing physical condition outside of being hospitalized. If Lindsay could still see him, Ryan, and all the good that his name and image conjure up, then that person still exists, even if he's lost and trying to hide.

Ryan has always thought he was tainted and outright cursed. I'm sure from what we've witnessed in canon, that even if he was the "good" one, that his timing, in terms of his arrival on the scene from the moment of conception, has been a huge strike against him. Nothing he could have done and no amount of sacrifice and devotion was enough to award him the status of wanted, nurtured, accepted, loved child. He was a liability that was discounted and cast aside even before he was permanently cast out. Even Treywreck, for all his many faults and his constant provocations, wasn't punished for his loyalty by complete rejection as cruelly as Ryan was. Trey made choices, Ryan was given none.

Ryan has been so completely and horribly conditioned to believe he has nothing positive to offer and that even being human is a total failure since even aspirations for perfection have disastrous consequences such as abandonment and abuse. In his eyes, everyone else is worthy of forgiveness, but he has to be held to the highest, most unattainable standard. He's never been tolerated, so forgiveness is beyond the realm of comprehension. It's so sad, but equally true, that he has the generous capacity to see the good in others, even while recognizing and accepting the flaws while he can't imagine anyone having that view of him, especially himself.

I only hope that the connection Lindsay made will have a resonance that will outlast the money. Thankfully, she never suspected just what she was saving Ryan from or I wonder what she would have done next...

[missmara13]

I had this long little post about how Lindsay would have done anything to keep Ryan closer longer if she'd known, but Livejournal gave me an error message and I can't remember half of it...

The jist was, though: If Lindsay had known what Ryan's plan was, she would have been willing to risk Ryan's anger in order to save him. Except while that may have led him bakc to the safety of the Cohens, it would have added one more bit of proof to Ryan that he can't trust the people who claim to love them, they'll only betray him, and he probably would have just taken off again as soon as he could.

[beachtree.livejournal.com]

LJ does that to me very frequently- including today.

That explanation makes perfect sense. Lindsay would have been beteen Iraq and a hot place. All things considered, she did the best she could.

[dogsbody01.livejournal.com]

You can't let Ryan destroy himself!Lindsay must've perceived what he was doing to survive,she's not stupid.BTW, good chapter.

[sheelock.livejournal.com]

Ryan really has hit rock bottom - too bad Lindsay couldn't have helped him more.