missmara13

Title: The Truth Hurts - 6
Author: Mara
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: God... mentions of violence, nothing too bad.
Summary: It's not the best result, but it could be so much worse... Ryan's POV
Notes: An AU to 'The Truth'. I think it's time people know what's going on in his head during all this...

The Truth Hurts 6 - Ryan's POV

Ryan had always been a screw up, the Atwood luck had always caught up to him and this time it just did it with a flash of pain and fire and the smell of burning as his head jerked back. It was a cliche, but time really did seem to slow down when Oliver turned the gun on him. Ryan could almost see the bullet making it's path from the gun barrel right towards him, but he couldn't move and he felt the burning pain as it hit, and an explosion of pain at the back of his head as it exited again. He heard the thud of the bullet slamming into the wall behind him, and the scream that tore from Marissa's throat as his legs buckled and he fell, hitting the floor with another thud.

"Sandy?"

It had been the only word he'd been able to push out past his lips, and Sandy had responded immediately, coming to his side and pressing his sweatshirt against the side of Ryan's head, babbling like Seth usually did, though Sandy's voice was laced with true panic and fear, and his face showed the same.

"Ryan, hang on, please, kid, just hang on..."

Ryan tried to focus on Sandy's words, on his pleas, but everything was getting blurry around the edges, and then it was growing darker, like the subtle change as the sun went down. There were strange people surrounding him now, and Ryan said Sandy's name again, relieved when the man appeared over him again, saying something that Ryan couldn't quite make out over the thumping in his ears and the yelling of the strangers.

"God, how's this kid even breathing on his own?"

Ryan heard the doctors talking about him while they hooked him up to machines and pried his eyes open to shine lights in them. He wanted to open his eyes, to say something and tell them to shut the hell up and do something because his head hurt, but he couldn't move... couldn't speak... couldn't breath...

"Oh, Ryan..."

Kirsten's voice was so sad when she would come and talk to him, smoothing her hand over what hair hadn't been shaved off for the surgery. She would talk to him about how she thought they should just shave the rest of his hair off so he wouldn't look so lopsided and strange. Her voice would crack and she would let out a strangled sob, then she'd compose herself and try again, begging him to open his eyes and come back to them.

"Sandy's visiting The Nana. He'll come see you when he gets back."

Ryan knew Sandy's 'visit' was more than just a short one, even if he didn't completely understand why Sandy left. Was Sandy mad at him for getting shot? Did he think Ryan was responsible for what had happened? It didn't really make sense, and it hurt to think that Sandy might be mad at him, hurt worse than the pain from being shot. Seth didn't come by either, but Kirsten didn't mention him as much, just reassured Ryan that she loved him and everything would be okay.

"I hope you don't mind if I back up a little, refresh both our memories."

He heard her when she started to read 'The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe' to him, and he had wanted to smile and tell her it was okay if she started reading from the beginning, it had been one of his favorites since he and Trey had watched the TV movie of it as kids and Trey had stolen a copy of the book to read to him at bedtime. He learned to read with the Chronicles of Narnia, and he wished he could tell her that he liked hearing it read to him again.

"Ryan? Can you hear me, honey?"

It had taken all he had to open his eyes and focus on Kirsten and her voice, watching how her expression changed as she read, reacting to things he knew that she already knew were going to happen. And as the children realized they were somewhere strange indeed, Kirsten smiled and looked up, and Ryan wished he could even just say 'hi' to her and tell her he heard and understood and appreciated it all.

"It's your imagination, Mrs. Cohen, the damage was too severe for him to know what's happening."

Doctors were idiots. Ryan wanted to yell and scream and tell them that he'd heard every fucking word since the anestesia wore off, and he understood all of it, but he couldn't even open his mouth. He couldn't muster the strength to respond to them, so he just tried his best to fight through the murkiness and let his eyes respond to Kirsten, Seth, and Summer. And they knew he was there and told him it was all going to be okay.

"Hey, kid, welcome back."

When Sandy walked in, Ryan tried harder, and was rewarded by a look of pure relief and love on Sandy's face as the man rushed to his bedside and stroked his hair and told him how much he loved him. Ryan hadn't even realized how much he missed Sandy until he saw the man again, and he tried so hard to try and make Sandy understand that so he wouldn't leave again. Ryan didn't think he could hold on and keep out of that ice cold fog that kept trying to wrap itself around him if they left him.

You are my favorite patient."

Ryan wanted to tell Emily that out of all the staff at the hospital, she was his favorite. She didn't treat him like he was some brain dead vegatable who couldn't understand. She explained what she was doing when she ran through the physical therapy, or when she put something in his IV. She made sure whoever was with Ryan had a pitcher of water in case they got thirsty, and she chatted with them in between talking to Ryan. He was glad that she was the member of the staff who was first able to see that his eyes weren't so blank afterall.

"I miss you, we all do."

Ryan tried. Damnit, he TRIED! But he couldn't do what he wanted. When he tried to talk, it all came out twisted and mangled. When he tried to hold a glass of water, he ended up spilling half of it all over himself. When he tried to walk, it hurt so damn much that he collapsed after just few steps. But Summer and the Cohens were always there, reassuring him and asking him to keep trying. When he got frustrated and decided to just stop, Summer yelled at him and he decided to prove he wasn't a wuss like she said. He WAS going to walk normally again. He WAS going to talk normally again. Most of all, he was going to get to where he could ask them about Marissa and why she never came to see him and why they never talked about her.

"Hey, long time no see."

Ryan was surprised when Kaitlin, Marissa's little sister who suddenly wasn't so little anymore and was home from boarding school for winter break, came to visit and told him exactly how long it had been since the shooting. He'd apparently woken up and opened his eyes for the first time about 6 months after being shot, and had drifted around for nearly a year after that before he started being 'there' more than he wasn't and had been able to really start making some progress. In a couple months it would be two years since the shooting.

"Marissa... she took a bunch of pills. Braindead. She's been on a ventilator down the hall for a year."

Kaitlin told him about Marissa, and Ryan hadn't reacted for a long moment, to shocked, then he had turned his head away and let the tears creep silently down his cheeks while she held his hand and cried her own tears. After a few minutes, Ryan turned back to Kaitlin and slowly, carefully, shifted over in bed and tugged on the girl's hand until she climbed up beside him, her head on his chest and his arm around her shoulders.

"I hate her so much... but I miss her more..."

The End

I just realized that it might be confusing how I end each chapter of this with 'The End', but each one is somewhat standalone since they don't continue right after eachother and they overlap and stuff. It's a series of one shots.

And there may also be some confusion of the fact that M's POV (The Truth Hurts - 2), ended with the line "She's gone." and yet here I say she's still techncially alive and on a ventilator. I figure that the last quote in M's POV was a doctor explaining that she was braindead, meaning that she just isn't there anymore and isn't going to come back. But Julie has kept her on a ventilator all this time, refusing to let Marissa just die.